Real Life ‘DOOM’: This Office Requires A Keycard To Get In

[ant]

http://ogn.theonion.com/real-life-doom-this-office-requires-a-keycard-to-get-1837999882

 

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Calling all DOOM fans! Drop whatever you’re doing and get ready for a serious nostalgia trip for this unforgettable retro shooter: This office requires a keycard to get inside!

 

That’s right, gaming legend John Romero must have designed the Telemix Communications office himself, because employees there have to flash their keycard in front of the main door to get inside exactly like in the 1993 id Software classic! In fact, we’re betting any gamers on their staff feel pretty lucky to spend their weekdays practically cosplaying as this iconic shooter’s marine while he heads off to slaughter demonic hordes on Mars.

 

Plus, get a load of this: If you squint hard enough, their RFID cards even have a blue tint, just like the ones used by the game’s protagonist while he shoots his way through hellspawn on a mission into the bowels of Hell. Just imagine how cool these workers must feel pretending they’re a keycard-wielding Doomguy every morning before heading off to their cubicles for a daily round of customer-assurance calls.

 

Honestly, how many people can say they live in a real-life ’90s first-person shooter?

 

Really, the only thing that would make this the definitive DOOM experience would be if the office’s walls and floors resembled any part of the game’s skull-covered environment. Or if the workers could pick up medkits or armor or interact with anything similar to the game whatsoever other than the keycard. Also, maybe if when the office door opened, it made that distinctive “whooshing” noise like in the game, or even if the music playing on the speakers sounded even a little bit like Robert Prince’s heavy metal-inspired soundtrack. That would help, too.

 

Otherwise, we’re calling it right now: This place is pretty much heaven on earth for hardcore DOOM lovers. It goes without saying that we’re completely jealous of anyone who gets to call this place their office.

 

[Doomkid]

I worked in an office 3 years ago.. Can confirm the keycard thing went through my mind as well.

 

Really, the only thing that would make this the definitive DOOM experience would be if the office’s walls and floors resembled any part of the game’s skull-covered environment. Or if the workers could pick up medkits or armor or interact with anything similar to the game whatsoever other than the keycard. Also, maybe if when the office door opened, it made that distinctive “whooshing” noise like in the game, or even if the music playing on the speakers sounded even a little bit like Robert Prince’s heavy metal-inspired soundtrack. That would help, too.

You know, maybe it’s a joke, but I’m certain I would have stayed at that job longer if it was like this.

 

Otherwise, we’re calling it right now: This place is pretty much heaven on earth for hardcore DOOM lovers.

Heaven on Earth.. Which is the opposite of the actually fun Hell on Earth.. I see what you did there, Onion!!

[Chezza]

This article seems like a waste of time tbh.

 

An office that uses keycards to get in the office? Isn't that common? Mine doesn't have the little blue rfid chip though.

[Dark Pulse]

About a decade ago I worked in a place that had keycard entry as well. Didn't even need to swipe, was pure RFID.

 

Don't recall an external chip though.

[chungy]

3 hours ago, Chezza said:

This article seems like a waste of time tbh.

 

An office that uses keycards to get in the office? Isn't that common? Mine doesn't have the little blue rfid chip though.

theonion.com

[geo]

It's parody. Hotels have used keycards since the late 80s. The Onion doesn't like my adblocker.

[Ashley_Pomeroy]

That awkward feeling when you realise there was a period when a lot of people didn't know about The Onion because it was still fairly new, and then everybody knew about The Onion because it was the funniest online parody newspaper, and then people didn't know about The Onion again because its heyday was fifteen years ago, and Our Dumb Century came out twenty years ago, and it's now just part of Kinja, and they "pivoted to video", which meant that I stopped reading it.

 

It's like Slashdot. It still exists; it has fans; it's just not what it was.

 

[GarrettChan]

Right now, I really need a place that requires a Skull Key to get in.

[geo]

On 9/11/2019 at 3:36 PM, GarrettChan said:

Right now, I really need a place that requires a Skull Key to get in.

Because you need a skull key to get in: