Intro to my Doom 3 fan-fic

[Naked Snake]

[note from bbg : yeah, I couldn't think of a clever title for this story. BTW, this story adds some elements not true to Doom 3 but hey, this is fan FICTION.[end note]

It all started on March 25th, 2145 on the Mars U.A.C. "Mars City" facility. They were up to something, something big, so big in fact that they called in the Marines just in case. Two security guards that just got off duty discussed their day in the narrow corridor...

"Ah man" Private Arnold began, removing his helmet "am I glad to be off work today". He cracked his neck and sucked in a huge lungfull of "fresh air" though he knew it was all recycled. His friend, Private Lewis stretched and cracked his knuckles.
"Ya know, they change the security code...again" he said, frustration in his tone.
"That's the 3rd time this week, what the hell is up with that?" Arnold complained.
"Yeah, and what's with all the Marines? A lot of weird shit has been going on" Lewis said. A scientist with glasses and no hair bumped into Lewis. He was more fixated on his clipboard than what was in front of him. "Hey! Watch it!" Lewis growled.
"Sorry" the scientist said without stopping. He heard Lewis mutter "see what I mean?" but he had more important things to worry about.

He walked into his personal labortory. He had a meeting with his contact right about now. He glanced about the room nervously, as if he were a mouse being stalked by a cat, but he knew nobody else was in the room because he was the only one with the access code. He sat down at the console and typed in the frequency. The display of the U.A.C. logo disappeared and a black screen came into view. Once in a while, a red circle would be visable, as well as smoke, which the scientist guessed was a cigar.
"Ok, I've done it, I've done what you asked but..." he paused then continued "I'm worried that the stabalization field will-" but the man cut him off.
"That's not for you to worry about. We'll show these corporate bigwigs that the gate project should not be abandoned". The connection was cut and the scientist pulled out his bed. He didn't like to sleep in the lab but he did so when he was to tired to walk back to his quarters. He laid down and covered himself up with a blanket and drifted off to sleep...

The security guard sipped his coffee and stared at the "gate". He had been doing this job for 3 years and never once had a problem. He leaned back in his chair and turned on the TV (Transtronic Video, capable of sending signals from Earth to as far as Jupiter) and relaxed. He got payed $8,000 a week for this job and he couldn't be happier. Of course, the other perk was that the U.A.C. sent $10,000 a week to his wife and kids. "Ah" he sighed, taking another sip of coffee. He spit it out when the alarm went off. He leaped from his chair and pulled out his pistol. He stared at the gate and noticed something odd....it was glowing red! He stood there, frozen by the fear when he saw a demonic skull peer through the gate. It opened its large mouth and out flew smaller demon skulls! He aimed at one but it was to fast. It rushed right through him and he felt the essence of its evil corrupt and kill him. He then rose from the ground but this time there was only one thought..."kill".

[Disorder]

Heh, this is really cool, especially if you've seen the alpha's intro. I recognized lots of stuff. Great work, I'm looking forward to the rest.

[Naked Snake]

Disorder said:

Heh, this is really cool, especially if you've seen the alpha's intro. I recognized lots of stuff. Great work, I'm looking forward to the rest.

Oh I'm sure you and everyone else will enjoy it. I decided not to do it in parts and instead it will span all 3 levels in one HUGE story! ^_^

[Livo]

Nice, but:

"he felt the essence of its evil corrupt and kill him."

It seems way too brief to me, and undescriptive IMO.

Something like:

"Burning pain split through his skull as he collapsed to the ground screaming. Blood red fire flashed in front of his eyes as the spirit possessed him. Laughter and strange visions of scarifices and demons went through his mind, replacing all his thoughts of terror and agony. He twitched and moaned as his whole body felt like it was being consumed by fire.

Then there was nothing.

'Kill...kill' it muttered, as the corpse rose from the ground, unsteadily while his stiff limbs slowly stretched again. One more damned corpse had joined Hell."

[Lost Soul]

Very nice. Sets the scene quite well. Some minor typos though, but other then that I liked it! :)

[LorD BaZTArD]

Yeah, good work. I like it, it sticks to the alpha intro, while at the same time, going in other directions. Cool :D