Perpetually Tormented: On Doom Eternal And Coping With Trauma

[Man of Doom]

This will be a long thread that deals with some deeply personal matters, so I might as well get a TL;DR out of the way.

 

 

The TL;DR version-
So literal trauma has affected my ability to enjoy Doom Eternal and it honestly sucks major shit, which is why I'm currently figuring out how to best frame said trauma to a professional therapist. And I'll need some help with that.
 

 

The full version-

So at times, it just feels like I end up becoming complete trash at Doom Eternal because of my abject inability to get past Exultia on Ultra-Nightmare even on my best days (as well as die during the barge combat encounter in Hell on Earth during my worst days), which makes zero sense to me given that I've honed my skills to the point where a fully-loaded Slayer will get me past entire fights without so much as a scratch on Nightmare difficulty, and even during my entire Extra Lives UV run in TAG1, I only lost two lives during the Samur fight which showed me that it wasn't complete BS as I previously thought when I did my initial TAG1 Nightmare run.
And that's not even getting into Battlemode where a semi-competent Slayer is enough to completely wipe the floor with me and my partner (playing as a demon), or I end up getting Worldstar'd by a demon team that actually knows what it's doing (playing as a Slayer).

The thing is, Doom Eternal is a game that requires a ton of attention to fully master it, and it's not just dealing with deliberate treachery (like tentacles hidden in purple slime) or memorizing which demon will spawn where. It's also figuring out how to strategize on the fly in case something doesn't go as planned and knowing which demon is most vulnerable to which tactic (as well as having to know multiple tactics for each demon in case you don't quite have the ammunition or weaponry to deal with them).

And as a result, there is very little room for error and even one solitary fuckup is enough to completely wreck you. And as a result, I end up getting extraordinarily angry with myself because I end up believing that I'll never get that gold Slayer skin. This is whenever one of three things happen during a Nightmare practice run or an actual Ultra-Nightmare run (since UNM is literally just an ironman version of NM):
1. I end up getting accidentally cornered by a bunch of demons and they all proceed to wail on me.
2. I end up forgetting about a demon that might show up in a place I hadn't checked and they end up draining my health and armor (like the times I got smacked in the back of the head by a zombie).

3. I end up overestimating the resources I have (for example, going in for a Blood Punch I hadn't realized I had already used up) and I end up screwing myself over.

 

I know I'm gonna get the response of "oh bless your heart, you get salty at video games" and... no. I realized that I had never gotten this angry playing any other video game, nor any other game in the Doom series (not 2016, not 3, not 64). Even while I was playing Call of Duty when I was much younger, the most I would probably do is spout off some profanities under my breath.
So far, I ended up punching or kicking the wall (or a punching bag that's nearby) to the point where there's bruises on my knuckles, I end up biting myself to the point where I see visible teeth marks on my skin, I punch myself to the point where I end up tasting blood, and I've even ended up breaking 2 if not 3 controllers already. I end up fantasizing about doing horrific things to myself like cutting or stabbing myself with something sharp, or something along those lines. I think the only thing I haven't done is scream my lungs out. In other words, I reach violently, destructively, and psychotically unhinged levels of outright fury. As in, the "you should talk to a professional" levels of anger I end up having.

 

I also know I'm also gonna get the response of "see this is why Doom Eternal is objectively bad compared to 2016" or "lol imagine thinking the Marauder is well-balanced", and honestly, save your hot takes for someone else because I do NOT have the patience for that right now.
Thing is, Doom Eternal is an extremely well-made, well-polished game that focuses on what made Doom 2016 and further expands on those concepts, so I completely fail to understand why Eternal is somehow "inferior". And real talk, people kept bitching about how Wolfenstein: TNO and TNC looked "too similar" yet there's also bitching about how 2016 and Eternal "look like they're from entirely different IPs" despite taking place in the same universe. I just keep thinking that people who complain about Eternal are just mad that it's overtaken 2016 or classic Doom as being "the popular Doom game" or that Eternal had dethroned some other game entirely.
Plus, I think that those who are particularly mad about Battlemode just wanted a carbon-copy of OG Quake's multiplayer and then use the "BUT DOOM INVENTED DEATHMATCH" defense despite the fact that there's already things like Doom 2016's multiplayer or Quake Champions (plus, Doom wasn't even the first FPS to have what would now be called deathmatch). I mean, the late TotalBiscuit himself made a similar point when he talked about Quake Champions and I think he summed it up as succinctly as possible when it comes to arena shooters. Hell, serious changes had to be made with Doom 2016's gameplay had to be made in order to suit it for arena-style gameplay (and I'm talking about core gameplay mechanics, and none of that "hack modules" stuff).
And no, "Serious Sam but with Doom stuff" would NOT automatically make a good Doom game because Doom has always been more than just "throw in 400 monsters at the same time to shoot".

But I digress.

 

And all of this is saddening on a personal level because all of this very much goes against my image of being the "chill Doomie", the "chill cosplayer", the guy who always provides fun thought-provoking discussions to the table and is not afraid to show his feelings (hell even my cosplay thing hasn't been doing as well as I wanted because social media algorithms are being changed up to prefer the influencers who already have millions of followers and such but that's honestly a whole another can of worms). Plus, it just all adds to the cultivated mindset of "I may never be able to amount to anything", not even in the Doom community because I haven't put out maps or that many mods even to this day.

 

So why exactly am I flipping my shit over Doom Eternal even when I know that cooler heads will prevail for a game like this?

Well, I'm about to spoiler what's about to come next because it's about to get really, really, REALLY bad. As in, this is gonna need a content warning for descriptions of suicide (both the ideations and the act itself), sexual assault/rape, and other assorted horrific things.

 

 

Spoiler

To say that the past few years of my personal life were rough would be an understatement.

 

• After I had my first falling-out with a friend due to rapid mental deterioration that stemmed from failing a class, I started to develop a form of suicidal ideation that turned out to be very brief but extremely intense and it got to the point where I saw an on-campus counselor to see what to do about them.
• After said falling-out, I tried to fill the hole that friend left with a string of failed friendships that ended up driving my emotional health even lower.
• For some weird reason, my family had to deal with broken bones over the course of several months.
• Around that same time when I was barely getting into cosplay, I was already dealing with all sorts of bad actors who basically told me there was no place for me in the cosplay community.
• A friend who I hadn't spoken to in a long time (a different friend), had died by suicide; it was especially tragic given that I also had a falling-out with that one and I was holding on to hope that we would reconcile one day.
• The closest person I had to a high school sweetheart was raped at college; I still maintain that she's one of the nicest, kindest, and most compassionate people I ever met, plus she's also on the autism spectrum like me.
• The fact that I was literally 20 minutes away from an actual school shooting when it took place.
• The horrific events of the latter few things were only a couple of years ago, and they had caused my suicidal ideations to come back with a vengeance; more lasting and much harder to shake.
• A friend of mine who was in the cosplay community had essentially gone down a really dark path in regards to Internet-based associations, to say the least. And then it turned out they had always been an extremely manipulative POS.
• Another close friend of mine had gone public about her extremely abusive ex regarding behavior that basically amounted to sexual coercion and emotional extortion, and said ex responded by essentially forcing a SLAPP suit on her because said ex is an abject narcopath.

 

And lastly, the most recent shitshow to have developed:

• I became friends with someone, and around the same time, a project I had been working on had started to take some kind of concrete form instead of just being a vague collection of ideas. I became fast friends with them, and they were one of the few people I developed an intellectual bond with as well as an emotional bond. They know things about me that not even my family knows, and they did their best to support me (and of course, I did the same for them in return). But then things got ugly.
  I did ghoulish things to them. They did ghoulish things to me. The friendship just went down in flames over a year ago. And even after the friendship, I still did a ton of shitty things that I still feel deeply ashamed of.
  And I'm not sharing any more details because not only do I feel like there are parts of the story that aren't mine to tell, there are parts that aren't particularly relevant.
  And as for the project, it's been stuck in hiatus despite my attempts to bring it out of there. I've long since realized that they had contributed so much to the project that I can't meaningfully call it mine anymore without also acknowledging that it became theirs as well.

 

And at last, we have the catalyst that ultimately led to me asking for help:
The Mick Gordon incident. Ye gods, the Mick Gordon incident.

So back when I initially heard the news that Mick might not be coming back to score anything Doom-related anymore, I was bummed like everyone else. But as more and more developments came out about what happened and more of my worst fears were confirmed without fail, it started to drag me to an extremely dark place for reasons I'm about to get to.

I fully admit that I held on to hope that sometime soon that id and Mick would come to an understanding or that something would be worked out regarding the OST, but it doesn't seem like the case as all parties have pretty much moved on and the burnt bridges seem to have collapsed for good. And of course there was the announcement of Andrew Hulshult and David Levy collaboration on The Ancient Gods: Part 1 as well as Mick working on Atomic Heart which seems to confirm this. Hell, even as of this writing there hasn't been an "official" release (and no, only those with the Collector's Edition have access to the OST, FLAC files and all).

 

And it was the former that just gave me quite the reality check on things, and it all came crashing in for me, like a train just slammed into me.

 

But none of these things are the reason why I just broke down like that. I mean, I was *this* close to just bursting into tears in public. Not helping was that in one personal incident I previously described, it shared similarities to that situation in that:

• both parties apparently wanting nothing to do with each other (they told me to never contact them again and me telling them that I'm not sure if I wanted anything to do with them anymore vs. Mick's "doubt I'll work with them again" comments and Marty's open letter on r/Doom)
• unfortunate circumstances leading to disastrous results (me going through a horrific chain of events that led to suicidal ideations vs. the Collector's Edition fiasco that forced a hard deadline on the OST)
• tons of poor communication (me and them both failing to make any concerns known before it was too late vs. lack of communication on the OST and what was expected)
• shit-talking after things had ended horrifically (my friend and I shit-talking each other to friends and strangers vs. Mick's comments on id and especially Chad, though I'm not sure if this was intentional)

 

So I asked around for help in various places and described my situation, and Bridgeburner had actually told me something that completely changed things:

 

Namely, that equating personal life struggles to situations I had completely no agency in whatsoever is actually a symptom of PTSD.

And it all just hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

 

So I completely understand as to why you're already going to ask this million-dollar question:
Why don't you stop playing?

 

Because believe it or not, Doom Eternal has also been an amazingly positive influence on me, not just in terms of gaming but also how I've conducted myself more IRL.
It's literally rewired my brain so that I've ended up playing FPSes better; for example, I now use the entire arena to my advantage so that I don't end up dying as often. Additionally, I've now become much more open to sharing personal stories with family and friends again after having essentially shut myself off for some time.

And the fact that I was able to process the traumatic events as being traumatic in the first place; I think the fact that I moved several states away may have helped considering that previously it just felt like me and everyone I cared about was just going to be subjected to horrific shit nonstop without so much as a reprieve.

 

And just that I still enjoy the everloving hell out of Doom Eternal; getting to figure out all new strategies on how to kill demons and approach various arenas never gets old, that rush of being dangerously close to death only to be saved at the last second by quick thinking feels exhilarating, and doing all of that to a killer soundtrack only sweetens the deal. Overall, it's still a fun game to me.

I mean, it's not like I'm going to become the next ZeroMaster or decino overnight, but unfortunately it seems like as a result of my trauma, I ended up developing a chip on my shoulder as dense as a black hole and said trauma had somehow latched onto the game itself as if I were literally fighting my own demons on screen and they would keep winning due to stupid mistakes.
Though I suppose that's some kind of weird blessing in disguise, given how I've essentially been given the ability to blast my own personal demons into chunky salsa.

 

And that brings me to why I even posted this in the first place:
So for several years I've been trying to go to therapy only for my own anxiety to stop me. But now with me having realized that I hadn't processed my trauma until recently, I'm doing what I can to overcome said anxiety and finally reach out for help.

Now that I finally feel able to actually reach out, I'm going to need some help on how exactly to frame the state in which my trauma exists so not only can I be able to fully enjoy Doom Eternal again without having to worry about the chip on my shoulder, so that I can keep growing as a person and to grow past my own trauma.

So that when I finally beat Ultra-Nightmare and get that gold Slayer skin, I can essentially tell my own trauma that I refuse to be its bitch anymore.


And while I'm here, I'll be keeping you guys posted on how things are going with this process.

[AtimZarr1]

13 minutes ago, Man of Doom said:

Now that I finally feel able to actually reach out, I'm going to need some help on how exactly to frame the state in which my trauma exists so not only can I be able to fully enjoy Doom Eternal again without having to worry about the chip on my shoulder, so that I can keep growing as a person and to grow past my own trauma.

 

I think this whole post you've written can be used as a future framework to share with someone. In detail, (1) you've discussed your personal history, (2) how it's been affecting your enjoyment in other activities, (3) the insight you learned from Bridgeburner, and (4) your willingness to overcome your anxiety and grow. Writing things down helps visualize and communicate ideas and you've done that part already. Now you can use your post as a frame to develop your thoughts further and you can share that with your therapist.

[Swordofdanu]

@Man of Doom

I sincerely hope things start looking up for you soon, like AtimZarrl said you've taken a good step forward with sharing this, personally I'd take a break from Eternal and play something completely different maybe? 

I know where your kinda coming from though, I was obsessed with Dark Souls 2 (Fume Knight) to the point of spending hours waiting for a decent Co-op partner and then failing because of my own crappy skills, Now I don't give a shit. 

 

Keep us updated, and remember your never truly alone. 

 

[Use]

18 hours ago, Man of Doom said:

controllers

 

Ah, found the problem. Seriously though, @Swordofdanu has good advice. Maybe step back and focus on your own well being. Take care of yourself! We like having you around!

Edited November 24, 2020 by Use

[Man of Doom]

So a bit of an update:

 

While I’m still working on finding some professional help, I came to realize why Doom Eternal had surprisingly meant so much so me.

And it couldn’t have come at a darker time.

 

So ever since I was little, I always had Doom to fall back on for the good times and the bad. It’s essentially become my rock, my comfort food that I could always count on.

It’s safe to say that it’s pretty much the one constant in my life that’s always been there for me.

 

I remember when I dealt with my first break-up, I booted up the game and I just breezed past through it. Normally I would have taken breaks every few levels or so but not this time. I just breezed past an entire megawad in one sitting, only stopping for a lunch break, and I still remember how I felt nothing but relief and elation after I finished.

 

So the reason why I hold Doom Eternal especially close to my heart is because so far, it’s the one Doom game that I still have yet to fully master. I’ve mastered the classic games, Doom 64, Doom 3 and its expansions, all the spin-offs, even 2016. Eternal is the one that I still have yet to crack.

Eternal is the one to tell me “you can do better” every time I mess up because every time I end up with an early end to a UNM run, it’s never the game’s fault and it’s always on me for not paying enough attention to my surroundings. Especially considering I’ve had bursts of gameplay where I’m able to go through entire fights without so much as a scratch.

But at the same time, it’s all the much sweeter when I use the Precision Bolt to knock off a weak spot or score a headshot, all the sweeter when I get a Marauder on the ropes, all the sweeter when I’m on the verge of death only to come up with a clever save at the very last second.

Because Eternal is the one Doom game not only that I have yet to master, it’s the one game pushing me to be better. So that when I finally get that cheese skin, the game has succeeded into making me a sexual tyrannosaurus.

And as a result, Doom Eternal has kind of become my rock as well especially given everything that’s happened in my life, from losing friends to death to losing friends while gaining strangers at the same time.

 

 

Which is all the more disheartening given that almost nobody seems to recognize what Doom Eternal has done, ranging from weird criticisms about how “Marauder is objectively bad actually” to the game getting absolutely nothing at The Game Awards (and yes you can tell me about how award shows are rigged from the start or some other stuff). Plus there was all the controversy surrounding the game, from Denuvo to Mick Gordon.

 

And I think The Game Awards are what finally broke me.

 

Because it’s all been just “Hugo Martin is overrated actually”, “Mick Gordon can jump off a cliff for all I care”, “2016 is superior to Eternal in every way”.

 

And as a result, I experienced the suicidal ideations that I thought were gone a couple of years ago.

 

I thought about taking my own life again.

 

Because it all felt like my struggles were for nothing. Because it felt like I was constantly getting a chorus of “you don’t matter”, “your struggles will mean nothing anyway”, “your feelings and thoughts will never mean anything”.

 

 

I've seen horrible things happen to people I deeply care about.

Death has become a surprisingly familiar companion especially as of late (case in point, I just got the news that yet another family friend passed away due to cancer).

 

To paraphrase a certain text screen, “where’s the fat reward and ticket home!?”

 

 

Things have to get better than this but I’m no longer sure if they will.

 

 

EDIT: 

So I can confirm that I had made this post during what had essentially become the worst mental health day I had in a long while.

 

To explain as to why, I had gotten word that day that a close family friend had passed away due to stomach cancer that was essentially terminal. Additionally, a close family friend had tested positive for COVID.

 

Prior to that, another close family friend had also passed away due to heart conditions. Months later, one of my cousins and his grandfather both got COVID, and the grandfather died.

Content warning for heavy stuff:

Spoiler

And the last few years of my own personal life ended up somehow ridiculously tragic (the first girlfriend I ever had was sexually assaulted at her college, a friend I had a falling out with took her own life, I was this close to being used for sex, several people I was previously close to turned out to be horrible people, etc.)

 

As for my thing about The Game Awards, it’s less that and more the terrible events that seemed to have constantly surrounded Doom Eternal after its release, from the Denuvo shitstorm to Mick Gordon to the game itself walking away empty-handed while people seemed to barely recognize the game’s merits (if at all). Hell, I actually had a nervous breakdown while the Mick Gordon incident transpired (and yes, Bridgeburner did explain that it could be a possible sign of PTSD).

Though, I’m still trying to figure out how exactly Doom Eternal became latched onto my trauma.

 

Obviously I’m better now, but I am gonna seek help sooner rather than later.

 

Edited December 12, 2020 by Man of Doom

[Gokuma]

I'm not qualified or wise enough to help with a lot of that.

 

But there's some things you can't let bother you so much.    The Game Awards are meaningless.   Don't let what self-righteous virtue-signalling game journos with no skill think have any bearing on your life.   From now on if it doesn't conflict with something I already have or want, I'm going to replace the "I'm too young to die" skill gfx with "Game Journalist" from now on in my wads.   Any popularity contest is garbage.   Check out some gamefaqs poll results if you want to be further disgusted.

 

As far as the difficulty of Ultra Nightmare,  it's supposed to be that way.   You gotta try to not care about that so much.   Go ahead and keep trying, but don't place such expectations on yourself.   Maybe you'll get further eventually.    I haven't even tried UN in Eternal since I always get killed in the first battle of Doom 2016 on UN.  I just don't have the ambition for it.   Maybe I'll get better at it sometime but I'm not counting on it.   It's just a game.  An awesome game but still.   The Doomiverse is incalculably huge.   Don't let severe difficulty and troubles in one sector get you down.   Actually a little martial arts tip: You gotta not care so much and just let it flow.   For example you try to overly force some trapping in Wing Chun/Ving Tsun and make it happen, it actually works less because it's too contrived when you need to feel and flow with your opponent more.   In many situations you have to care somewhat (for example I prefer not to be punched in the face), but caring TOO MUCH and tensing up can hamper your skill and reaction time.   Stand up, jump up and down a little, and loosen up.   Maybe try to relax by learning some Tai Chi moves and/or Qi Gong exercises from videos on youtube (Just for actually applying practical martial arts and self-defense techniques and principles, video alone is insufficient).  Or try more of any general exercise.   Even having done a lot of Tai Chi & Qi Gong, I personally need to do some more athletic stuff to vent some energy, though practical martial art Tai Chi is some serious stuff.  Just using martial arts as an example.  The same principles can apply to many things.

 

Are you cooped up in an urban area or do you have some decent outside space you can go to?

Edited December 16, 2020 by Gokuma

[Super Mighty G]

3 hours ago, Gokuma said:

The Game Awards are meaningless.  

I would like to chime in and reinforce this. The "awards" are not given by players, they're given by journalists who share the views of whatever their endorsing. It's masturbatory noise that is pointless. 

[Rudolph]

Surely there are better ways to comfort the OP than to trash-talk complete strangers who have not done anything to you, right? Especially when Man of Doom specifically said that watching people shit-talking each other contributed to their trauma...

 

Anyway, as someone with a mental health condition myself, I would encourage you to look up cognitive distortions, if you have not already; it personally helped me dealing with my own trauma and the ways it negatively impacts my life. On my end, I am also currently looking into increasing my magnesium intake; I still have to get confirmation from health professionals, though, so do not think for a second that this is a miracle cure or even a substitute for proper therapy and medication, but I have heard from my support group that a magnesium-rich diet can help with emotion regulation. 

 

In any case, stay safe and take care of yourself.

Edited December 17, 2020 by Rudolph

[Gokuma]

Hey I said I wasn't qualified or wise enough.   Don't blame me for honest advertising!   But I'll tell you what they did do to me.   They deeply offended my sensibilities and all that I value in video game culture.   May the Eldritch Gods have mercy on their souls.

Edited December 19, 2020 by Gokuma

[Antkibo]

I like that you took the time to write this post. That takes courage.

 

I'm not a professional and can't offer any serious help, and I advice you to take any online tip with a big spoon of salt, but, as someone who deals with anxiety, I think you should lower your expectations a bit. Reading your story, I believe you have too firm of a grip on your "identity:" the chill gamer, the one who masters all Doom games, the one who sets goals and achieves them...

 

But there's nothing wrong with not mastering a Doom, or failing to achieve a goal -- it's something beyond good or wrong: it's called being a real person. You can be chill and angry on the same day, it's YOUR life. Your identity is not based on what you do or what you don't. You decide your own identity. You can be a loving person (if that's what you want) and still hurt some people. You can be a proactive person and want to laze around on Fridays.

 

This won't magically change the real world, but maybe will help you find solace inside yourself. Good luck.

[Rudolph]

I myself had to give up on the video games that would cause me too much anxiety. I remember getting so emotionally invested in them that I would start physically hurting myself upon losing control of a situation. In the end, I realised that it was not something worth getting riled up over: it did not make me better at the game and it negatively affected my behaviour and relationships.

 

I love video games. Not only did they expand my horizons, but they have helped me cope with loneliness as well as a variety of personal and professional failures that have been plaguing my life. As such, I decided that I wanted them to remain a positive force in my life. I have since learned to be kind to myself and I no longer feel like suffering over a video game: if I am no longer having fun with a game or it is causing me more pain than pleasure, I stop playing it and I move on to another.

 

In doing so, I have also overcome my prejudices in regard to certain genres of video games and allowed myself to enjoy them for what they are: for example, for the longest time, I used to snub turn-based role-playing video games because they looked silly and unchallenging, but now I realise just how much I have been missing out. In addition to (sometimes) telling interesting stories and featuring memorable characters, they are easy to pick up and play, they are generally very forgiving and they do not require split-second reflexes and intense concentration, which means that I can easily play them while listening to podcasts or music.

Edited December 19, 2020 by Rudolph

[Man of Doom]

So kind of a mini-update that came rather recently:

 

In Ultra-Nightmare, I finally managed to get past Exultia and even got past the last couple of arenas without much issue.
 

Additionally, I’ve been working on the Super Gore Nest master level, and whenever I get tilted, I don’t really get irrationally angry anymore. Instead, I just put down the controller and just decide to just take a break.

 

Both of these things tie in to the fact that whenever I get all stressed out I actually tend to do much worse, and I end up really excelling even my own expectations whenever I’m as cool as a cucumber.

 

While I still am working on finding some professional help, progress is progress, I suppose.

 

 

By the way, it’s actually kind of made me sad that my own trauma just inexplicably tied itself to Eternal, especially because there’s quite a healthy community surrounding it, plus Hugo Martin himself loves to interact with the fans and whatnot.

 

EDIT: As of this edit, I’ve finally beaten SGN on Ultra-Nightmare (and got the gold shotgun skin as well) and am looking to possibly try an UNM run on Ancient Gods 1.

Edited February 1, 2021 by Man of Doom

[Man of Doom]

Oh boy, it’s been a while since the last update, but better late than never.

 

So in between this update and the last, a lot of good and bad things happened.

 

To start with the good, I did a UNM run on TAG2 just for the hell of it and I successfully completed it on the first go. Hell, TAG1 could be seen as possibly doable.

Not only that, I’ve gotten better at managing my emotions and full-on outbursts rarely occur (if at all) when I play.

I've been getting started on a new project that is Doom-related which should allow me to fully process my trauma and vent it out in a creative and healthy way.

I’ve been making quite a lot of good progress in my professional career to the point of a major milestone being hit recently.

 

But obviously, not everything has been sunshine and gumdrops.

 

More family members tested positive for COVID.

A family member I’m close with has had their mental health decline significantly to the point of multiple suicide attempts followed by extended stays in mental health facilities.

And on top of that, the Taras Nabad Master Level has been grinding my gears (if it’s not the Marauder/Tyrant tower where I keep getting swarmed by Prowlers, it’s the vault room). Not to mention there was the whole TAG2 discourse where people were legitimately writing off the Doom franchise as a lost cause over certain plot developments (and just more negative “developments” from Eternal in general).

 

 

And one more thing:

The big catalyst that caused me to realize that I needed to make significant life changes was not just the Mick Gordon incident, but rather during the initial fallout of said incident, I somehow got the bright idea to reach out to Mick himself via his personal site to basically tell him “hey I completely understand if you want nothing more with the Doom franchise, and I can relate on a similar level so here’s what happened with That One Friend I had a nasty falling out with”.

And no, he didn’t respond at all, and I can’t really blame him for being weirded out back then by a complete stranger who just dumped all sorts of emotional baggage.

 

But yeah, that was the big thing that caused me to go “ok, I really need to get my shit together”.

[Koko Ricky]

Gaming is to me similar to YouTubing, junk food, pornography, marijuana, Facebook surfing, etc. They are hobbies/vices that in and of themselves are neutral, but can become negative when focused on excessively. My mood can definitely sour if any of those activities are overly emphasized. 

 

To combat this, I train myself to be aware of how much time I spend on these activities, and whether or not my mood is going south as a result. Learning to listen to body and mind can really help create a healthy cutoff point.

 

One of the more satisfying breakthroughs I've had is being able to play Battlemode (I only play as Slayer)  without losing my cool. I only win about 1 out of 30 rounds, and whereas before it was deeply disheartening, I've since realized that it's one of the more difficult multiplayer experiences out there, and there's no shame in being a loser. 

[UnclePhil]

On 11/23/2020 at 12:56 AM, Man of Doom said:

I realized that I had never gotten this angry playing any other video game

I can really empathize with this. I was never the broken-controllers, throw-shit-at-the-TV kid but the one game that utterly boiled my blood and made we want to lose my shit was, of all things, Mario goddamn Golf on the N64. When I rented that game as a kid, the caprices of the physics and resulting undesired outcomes just drove me nuts. It actually left me turned off of golf as an adult (which might not be a bad thing, considering the rage the real game brings out of some players).

 

Anyway, without pretending to substitute for professional help, it sounds like OP is a creature of routine, which is true of most people. In my experience it is hardest to move on from unhappy experiences, especially disappointments from other people, when routines stay the same. It's so easy to be stuck in your head when you're being exactly the same person you were when you were hurt or when you made bad choices. Yet routines are comfortable and it's hard to break out of a comfort zone when you are feeling down. That's what makes it such a trap.

 

If you're in a location/situation where covid still has you isolated, that's a tough hand to be dealt after so long, but if you are fortunate enough that this is an option for you, I would encourage you to try to expand horizons with new hobbies and activities, especially something that will bring you to meet new people, like a casual local sports league. A LOT of people who spend this much time in their own head would benefit from the combination of new acquaintances, new goals, and (important for us gamers) exercise.

 

Personally I am predisposed to be neurotic about bad interactions and experiences with people and to later overthink them and relive them in an agitated state. But it is actually wild how quickly that garbage gets rinsed out of your head by experiencing new people and situations. It stretches your sense of priorities healthily, and gives you some perspective on things that bother you intrusively in a way that they shouldn't. I apologize in advance if you are physically disabled and sports/active hobbies are not an option for you, but otherwise finding a new physical social hobby could be an important part of healthy new routines.

 

You might really be surprised at how quickly the bad shit feels smaller and further away when you put some different new experiences between yourself and that. If I was gonna boil down to a single specific suggestion as a starting point, look into local beginner-level soccer or basketball groups. Both games check all the boxes of ubiquity, team play, cardio/endorphins, and minimal gear costs.

 

E: and I wouldn't take it personally that Mick didn't reply to your message. In addition to being a presumably very busy creator, he has also become a public figure who has to be extremely careful about making any statements at all, especially to people he doesn't know.

Edited August 10, 2021 by UnclePhil

[PsychEyeball]

I wish you good luck in overcoming your demons. That's never an easy thing to do but at least you did have the courage to put your feelings down to text.

 

Personally I'm mad at Doom Eternal too, but only because it made me feel old and bad at FPSs. :)