Jokes Thread

[Dubbag]

Tell me a joke.

[TheMagicMushroomMan]

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

 

I can tell you some more but they're too deep for anyone to understand.

Edited September 16, 2021 by TheMagicMushroomMan

[snapshot]

Spoiler

ur mom xdd

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up, he says it could be a lot worse, says I could be trapped in an underground hole filled with water

 

I know he means well

Edited September 16, 2021 by sluggard

[Jello]

Do you know how to make antifreeze?

 

Take away her blanket.

 

Ba dum tsshhh.

 

Customer at work told me that a few days ago. I laughed, and told him it was a terrible joke.

Edited September 16, 2021 by Jello

[Jello]

Alright, I'm going to have to tell my favorite Dad joke ever, from my own Dad. I've told it before, but hey, it's a new thread.

 

A duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender "Do you have any grapes?".

The bartender replies "No, we don't have any grapes." And the duck leaves.

The next night, the duck walks into the bar and asks again "Do you have any grapes?".

The bartender says "No, I told you last night, we don't have grapes." The duck apologizes and leaves.

The next night, the duck walks into the bar, and asks the bartender if they have any grapes.

The bartender yells at the duck "No, we don't have any grapes, and if you come back here tomorrow and ask for grapes, I'll nail your damn bill to the wall!".

The duck leaves.

The next night, the duck walks into the bar, and asks the bartender "Hey, do you have any nails?" The bartender replies "No I don't have any damn nails back here!"

And the duck says "Oh... okay... do you have any grapes?"

[CherryPoptartzzz]

The funniest joke i've ever heard was that my wife wants a divorce, she has to be joking right? I hope she is...

[Caffeine Freak]

@Jello I remember telling that joke to friends well over a decade ago. For some reason, I had forgotten about it until now. 😂

 

I'll let the late, great Norm Macdonald take this one:

 

 

 

 

[Swordofdanu]

Did you know? One out of seven dwarfs are grumpy. 

 

And

 

What's a Pirates favourite letter of the alphabet? 

Spoiler

Did you guess R? 

Close, but they're know for their love of the C. 

 

Edited September 17, 2021 by Swordofdanu

[MFG38]

Three men - aged 25, 35 and 45 - had applied to work for the FBI. They'd all passed the previous tests, and now it was time for the final test. All three men were sitting in a hallway with their wives, waiting to be invited into the test room. It wasn't long until the 25-year-old man was invited in.

 

An FBI agent instructed the man to sit down, gave him a gun and said to him: "Go shoot your wife." The man immediately stood back up, practically screaming: "Absolutely not! I love my wife - besides, she's pregnant with our first child! I don't want this job so badly as to kill her for it!" And he stormed out of the room.

 

Then, the 35-year-old man was invited in. He too was instructed by the agent to go shoot his wife. The man, sitting at the table, looked at the gun with a contemplative face for a moment, but ultimately lifted his head and said: "I'm sorry, I can't. I love her too much to be able to kill her for this job." And so, the man walked out of the room.

 

Finally, it was the 45-year-old man's turn. The agent put the gun on the table in front of the man and said: "Go shoot your wife." With an eagerness he hadn't felt in ages, the man immediately grabbed the gun and walked out to the hallway, closing the door behind him. A few minutes passed, during which a horrible racket could be heard from the hallway, and the 45-year old man returned with blood all over his clothes. Upon his return, the FBI agent asked the man: "What the hell took you so long? And why are you covered in blood?"

 

The 45-year-old man answered: "Yeah, sorry. Had to beat her to death with a chair because some asshole put a blank into the gun."

[vyruss]

7 hours ago, Swordofdanu said:

Did you know? One out of seven dwarfs are grumpy. 

 

And

 

What's a Pirates favourite letter of the alphabet? 

  Reveal hidden contents

Did you guess R? 

Close, but they're know for their love of the C. 

 

I'll do you one better in the same vein.

 

Why did the pirate fail to learn how to read?

 

Spoiler

Because he was lost at "C".  I'll see myself out.

 

[HavoX]

Me: Knock knock

Spectre: Who's there

Me: The dark

Spectre: The dark who-

*BOOM*

...reloads my 12g hand cannon...

Me: Now why were you hiding in the dark?

[Smoothandz]

Why does Waldo wear stripes?

 

Spoiler

Because he doesn't want to be spotted!

 

[Dusty_Rhodes]

A man was alone and in a bad mood one night. Naturally he went to a bar, just to drink few beers to relax after a stressful day. He sat down and asked for a brew. 

 

Out of the corner of the bar he heard someone talking but it was seemingly empty. The voices multiplied and could be heard saying "We love your hair", "nice tie Jim", "good work on that proposal today". The man was rightfully freaked out and asked the bartender, "where are those voices coming from?"

 

The bartender replied, "the nuts, they're complimentary"

 

Bah-dum tshhhh

[CBM]

a man walks over to a bulldozer covered in hair and asks a nearby man, that is wearing a handyman outfit,

why the machine is covered in fur?

 

the man replies that it is because its a CAT

[JustCallMeKaito]

I'd tell you a joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.

[SilverMiner]

A man in the woods found a well. He threw a stone there, another stone, threw more stone, silence. He went to find a piece of rail and threw it, and then a goat ran by and jumped into the well. The man thinks, it's a mystery. Then another man comes up to him and asks: -Have you seen the goat? -I saw it, it ran past me and dived into the well.
-It can't be, mine is tied to the rail.

[[McD] James]

What did the drummer name his daughters?

 

Anna 1, Anna 2.

Edited September 17, 2021 by [McD]James

[BrutalDoomisAwesome]

I had a good Boomerang joke.

 

But, It'll come back to me.

 

 

[QuaketallicA]

This is one recycled from Dilbert that stuck with me:

 

Dilbert: I'd like to quit my job and be an entrepreneur, but I don't know how they deal with all that risk.

Wally (co-worker): Probably just in denial.

 

Alice (another co-worker) walks in the room.

Alice: Hey guys, it seems we just got bought out by our biggest competitor. They promise to deal with the the current employees as "humanely" as possible.

 

Dilbert: They sound nice!

 

Wally: What a great group of people!

[forgettable pyromaniac]

I'd tell you a joke about the ceiling, but I think it'd go over your head.

[Dusty_Rhodes]

1 hour ago, CBM said:

a man walks over to a bulldozer covered in hair and asks a nearby man, that is wearing a handyman outfit,

why the machine is covered in fur?

 

the man replies that it is because its a CAT

 

1 hour ago, JustCallMeKaito said:

I'd tell you a joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.

 

56 minutes ago, [McD]James said:

What did the drummer name his daughters?

 

 

  Hide contents

Anna 1, Anna 2.

 

Eyyyyy this are pretty good.

 

Awful, but pretty good.

[SilverMiner]

An electrical engineering exam. The professor screws the student.
- All right, last question for 3: How many light bulbs are there in the classroom?
The student looks up, counts:
- Eight!
- Wrong, I have one with me, in my pocket. See you at the retake.
Retake. The professor knocks out the same student again.
- Last question for 3: How many light bulbs are there in the classroom?
- Nine!
- Wrong, I didn't get a light bulb today!
- But I did!

[Dubbag]

I like rice a lot because it's good for when you're hungry and also want two thousand of something.

Edited September 17, 2021 by Dubbag

[Arrowhead]

What do you call a cow w/ no legs?

 

 

*drumroll*

 

 

 

Spoiler

'ground beef'

 

[Dusty_Rhodes]

12 minutes ago, Arrowhead said:

What do you call a cow w/ no legs?

 

 

*drumroll*

 

 

 

  Hide contents

'ground beef'

 

Ladies and gentlemen of Doomworld we have a winner!

[BrutalDoomisAwesome]

Why was the math book so sad?

 

He had alot of problems.

______________________________________

 

Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?

 

Cause, someone told him to get along little doggy.

[Nikku4211]

No soap, radio.

 

BOTTOM TEXT

[punnyone]

What did John Lennon say when someone asked him what vegetable he liked? 

 

"Peas please me!" 

[Dubbag]

 

Edited September 18, 2021 by Dubbag

[Dusty_Rhodes]

24 minutes ago, punnyone said:

What did John Lennon say when someone asked him what vegetable he liked? 

 

"Peas please me!" 

That's the most wholesome one. I love it.