Most insane reviews you´ve read for film/game/book etc.

[MS-06FZ Zaku II Kai]

I recently got a free demo for a game called Hellslave which I have yet to try, but the store page describes it as a classic dungeon crawler set in a dark fantasy universe suffering a horible demonic invasion.

The main gimmick is that your character makes a deal with one of the demon lords, for a price of course, which unlocks abilities that helps your hero overcoming the trechearous world.

Okay sounds simple right? But then I came across this completely batshit review (the one in the middle obviously), take a look at it and let me know what you think:

 

 

 

Btw here´s a store page for those interested in the game: https://www.gog.com/game/hellslave

Edited January 23, 2023 by MS-06FZ Zaku II Kai

[dasho]

Stealth marketing is getting really weird these days.

[arsac]

i feel like just reading that activated a sleeper agent somewhere.

[Redneckerz]

I didn't think they were developing ChatGPT this quickly.

[mrthejoshmon]

Literally any of the "Gaming in the Clinton Years" videos are fucking wild man, not convinced this guy is human.

 

You can't read them but whatever, I ain't gonna get another chance to talk about this lunatic.

Edited January 23, 2023 by mrthejoshmon

[MS-06FZ Zaku II Kai]

7 minutes ago, mrthejoshmon said:

Literally any of the "Gaming in the Clinton Years" videos are fucking wild man, not convinced this guy is human.

 

You can't read them but whatever, I ain't gonna get another chance to talk about this lunatic.

Dude I know about that guy, like what the fuck was he on in some of his reviews?

Like that time he claimed that Spielberg used a fucking N64 to render Jurasic Park sfx?

[Mr. Freeze]

Go on Metacritic and search for any popular AAA game's user reviews, guarantee you'll see a legion of saddos review bombing it for the dumbest reasons. 

[MS-06FZ Zaku II Kai]

7 minutes ago, Mr. Freeze said:

Go on Metacritic and search for any popular AAA game's user reviews, guarantee you'll see a legion of saddos review bombing it for the dumbest reasons. 

Yeah but review bombs are boring and predictable, just a bunch of nerds complaining.

What I find more interesting are "reviews" made by absolute schizos.

[Artman2004]

This was a review for a book called "Ninja: Get Good: My Ultimate Guide To Gaming".

[maxmanium]

31 minutes ago, Artman2004 said:

This was a review for a book called "Ninja: Get Good: My Ultimate Guide To Gaming".

 

There is surely a section on how to clap Jess's cheeks.

Edited January 24, 2023 by maxmanium

[Ichor]

Here's one from the 'etc' section, here's one for the left handed banana slicer:

 

SW3K

5.0 out of 5 stars No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!

Reviewed in the United States on March 3, 2011

For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I'll call it South Side Story.

Banana slicer...thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.

[Murdoch]

1 hour ago, Artman2004 said:

This was a review for a book called "Ninja: Get Good: My Ultimate Guide To Gaming".

 

This is all kinds of disturbing.

[The BMFG]

4 hours ago, MS-06FZ Zaku II Kai said:

 

"this game shouldn't be sell" -rychup99

inspirational words

 

[Savarin]

This became quite the meme a while ago, and yeah it's a video rather than a written review, but still...

 

This Pixar's Turning Red review has some batshit insane takes.

 

For people that don't wanna see the whole thing, here's a transcript of the video at around 6:46:

Spoiler

"... This film takes place less than a year after the September 11 terrorist attacks. I bring this up because it radically altered the culture of the time, in ways that make this movie feel exceptionally ignorant of the time. Even though LITERALLY the only reason I can comprehend that this movie is set explicitly in 2002 is because the director grew up in that exact year. Yes, this film takes place in Canada, not the United States, but all over the western world- Canada, America, the UK, much of Europe- people were paranoid because 9/11 wasn't the only terror attack that had happened. It was the major theme of the decade. I mean, I can understand not wanting everyone to be so fearful, as that goes against the tone that the movie is trying to establish. But then you have very awkward moments if you actually were there and you do actually remember the time period."

 

Absolutely wild. The rest of the video is filled with weird, off-the-wall takes like that, but that is the main crazy one.

[TheMagicMushroomMan]

17 minutes ago, Savarin said:

This became quite the meme a while ago, and yeah it's a video rather than a written review, but still...

 

This Pixar's Turning Red review has some batshit insane takes.

 

For people that don't wanna see the whole thing, here's a transcript of the video at around 6:46:

  Hide contents

"... This film takes place less than a year after the September 11 terrorist attacks. I bring this up because it radically altered the culture of the time, in ways that make this movie feel exceptionally ignorant of the time. Even though LITERALLY the only reason I can comprehend that this movie is set explicitly in 2002 is because the director grew up in that exact year. Yes, this film takes place in Canada, not the United States, but all over the western world- Canada, America, the UK, much of Europe- people were paranoid because 9/11 wasn't the only terror attack that had happened. It was the major theme of the decade. I mean, I can understand not wanting everyone to be so fearful, as that goes against the tone that the movie is trying to establish. But then you have very awkward moments if you actually were there and you do actually remember the time period."

 

Absolutely wild. The rest of the video is filled with weird, off-the-wall takes like that, but that is the main crazy one.

They're just trying to get a job at Kotaku.

 

Hell, I could find several Kotaku reviews with off-the-wall "what the hell does this have to do with the Bush administration" style tangents. They do it because they know people will start arguing about it in the comments section.

 

There' also stuff like this:

 

https://kotaku.com/stray-game-annapurna-interactive-cat-cyberpunk-1849328820

 

Why were they expecting a game about a cat in futuristic China to "grapple with the Walled City’s historical legacy"? It's such an obvious attempt to stir a turd for more clicks. I don't believe for one second that anyone over there actually cares about half of the stuff they write about. I don't mind discussions about race/gender/etc, or having adult conversations about how fictional media portrays groups of people or the places they live in. But there comes a certain point where you're just being ridiculous.

Edited January 24, 2023 by TheMagicMushroomMan

[Herr Dethnout]

Steam Reviews are wholesome place:
 

 

 

[heliumlamb]

5 hours ago, mrthejoshmon said:

Literally any of the "Gaming in the Clinton Years" videos are fucking wild man, not convinced this guy is human.

 

You can't read them but whatever, I ain't gonna get another chance to talk about this lunatic.

George Wood is the only ethical gaming journalist, actually

Edited January 24, 2023 by heliumlamb

[TheMagicMushroomMan]

5 hours ago, mrthejoshmon said:

Literally any of the "Gaming in the Clinton Years" videos are fucking wild man, not convinced this guy is human.

 

You can't read them but whatever, I ain't gonna get another chance to talk about this lunatic.

Out of curiosity, does he ever actually talk about Bill Clinton?

[heliumlamb]

6 minutes ago, TheMagicMushroomMan said:

Out of curiosity, does he ever actually talk about Bill Clinton?

 

no, but he does talk about Silicon Graphics Computers

[LadyMistDragon]

5 hours ago, mrthejoshmon said:

Literally any of the "Gaming in the Clinton Years" videos are fucking wild man, not convinced this guy is human.

 

You can't read them but whatever, I ain't gonna get another chance to talk about this lunatic.

Yeah, his contemporary review of Goldeneye 007 was...quite special to say the least, but he viewed Doom 64 more positively for reasons that wouldn't make sense to anyone at the time.

[Gaia74]

 

[Fernito]

Haribo sugar-free gummi bears FTW 

 

[roadworx]

well, there's always the review that states that doom would be better if you could talk to the demons and resolve your differences through diplomacy

[SuperFreaksDev]

8 hours ago, mrthejoshmon said:

Literally any of the "Gaming in the Clinton Years" videos are fucking wild man, not convinced this guy is human.

 

You can't read them but whatever, I ain't gonna get another chance to talk about this lunatic.

Yeah, George Wood takes it. 
 

Quote

Donkey Kong Country is truly perfect. If you do not get this amazing new generation of Donkey Kong madness, you are stupid! Yes, I know, it’s insulting, but it’s also the truth!

[dyshoria]

it was a review for payday 2 that said "0/10 cant sex the clowns"

[MS-06FZ Zaku II Kai]

1 hour ago, Fernito said:

Haribo sugar-free gummi bears FTW 

 

This fucking rocks, holy shit you just made my day.

[Deadwing]

2 hours ago, roadworx said:

well, there's always the review that states that doom would be better if you could talk to the demons and resolve your differences through diplomacy

 

I was going to quote that haha

[Herr Dethnout]

7 hours ago, Gaia74 said:

 

Change Marisa to Kobeni and this is me.

[MS-06FZ Zaku II Kai]

18 minutes ago, Herr Dethnout said:

Change Marisa to Kobeni and this is me.

Patrician taste

[CrocMagnum]

The following reviews of Dragon Ball Z is legendary. The guy was possibly drunk when he posted this ^^: 

 

Dragon Ball Z Review by therustbelt (myanimelist)

 

Edited January 24, 2023 by CrocMagnum