I just lost a parent. (And an update on things.)

[Man of Doom]

Due to obvious reasons, expect a rant.
 

 

About a month ago, my mom ended up having what seemed like some sort of attack at her job. She was then taken to the hospital, and it turned out she needed open heart surgery.

 

A few days after that, we’re able to take her home where she then looked to be legitimately recovering. I mean, it looked like she was really on the mend and was even expecting to get back to her job within a couple of weeks’ time.

 

But then last night happened. Suddenly, her health declined just like that and we got her to the ER again. 

 

I don’t even want to talk about what happened there, but:

 

(Spoilered for content warning for death)
 

Spoiler

 

I watched my own mother pass away in front of my eyes. There was nothing that could be done anymore.

 

The nurses, doctors, they all said nothing could be done.

 

 

 

Going forward, I’m thinking of putting together a GoFundMe to not only help cover my mom’s funeral/hospital expenses, but also to finally put behind the debt we accumulated over the years.

This way, we won’t have to worry about money as much when we finally see about moving away from where I currently am.

 

In any case, I am done with my family being subject to all this endless suffering.

 

For the past few years, me and my family have been through some absolute trials and tribulations I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy (including financial tribulations).

Case in point, even moving to a different state after my dad finally found a job that offered to him left the family in the red for several months.

 

And now, all my mom gets for her efforts is an early grave, and she was far too young to have those kinds of problems.

 

I saw my dad not only cry for the first time, but be reduced to inconsolable wailing.

 

My sister would not be consoled by anyone except for her boyfriend.

 

And here I am, stuck between feeling completely numb, a combination of shock and denial that my own mom is gone, and the creeping feeling that maybe I should just stop existing altogether because I’ve witnessed too much firsthand pain for one lifetime.

 

But in any case, my mom’s absence has left deep, stinking wounds in our hearts that look like they’ll never fucking heal.

 

This hurts.

Edited March 5, 2023 by Man of Doom

[david_a]

In the last year I've lost my aunt, my dad, and now my mom last month. I have three estates I need to deal with across two continents on top of the emotional toll. It's... a lot.

 

I'm not trying to "misery brag" here but just pointing out that people somehow survive through these horrible situations even if it might seem impossible right now. It sounds like neither of us has a family being actively shelled in Ukraine, or is suffering through the Syrian/Turkish earthquake, or any other more mundane horrors actively happening, but those situations all have survivors too.

 

Everybody reacts to this stuff differently. What I've found is that just telling your troubles to others is beneficial - in the beginning I had problems physically saying that my mom had pancreatic cancer, but just repeating it made it easier. If you have the means, I would highly recommend finding a therapist or counsellor. 

 

I made a promise to my mom in the hospital that I would keep going. I'm sure your mom also wanted only the best for you - she doesn't want this to ruin your life forever.

 

It will be hard and there are times when it will all feel like too much. That's fine, you have a right to be angry, frustrated, sad, whatever. Take care of yourself, take things one step at a time, and I promise you that you will find the strength to get through this.

[D4NUK1]

First, I'm really sorry for you Lost, and the feelings and pain it's hard to cope in some cases.

 

You can vent you can cry just let out the emotional feeling and just try to still be the type of human being that you family wanted you to grown up 

 

Take your time with your family and take this hard time to vent and recover little by little.

[Murdoch]

21 minutes ago, D4NUK1 said:

First, I'm really sorry for you Lost, and the feelings and pain it's hard to cope in some cases.

 

You can vent you can cry just let out the emotional feeling and just try to still be the type of human being that you family wanted you to grown up 

 

Take your time with your family and take this hard time to vent and recover little by little.

 

This. I never cease to be saddened by how sometimes the universe appears to single out specific people for huge batches of suffering. It sucks.

 

Pain is the price of love, but that pain is so much worse when it feels like that person was denied what could called their full measure of life. @Man of Doom I would like to say this won't hurt forever, but I would be lying. Losing a parent too young is always going to hurt. But it will hurt less with time. Do whatever it takes in the meantime. Talk to people. Cry, scream, get angry, whatever. Don't try to hide how you feel. Bottling it up won't help and is likely to lead to destructive behaviour. Things suck right now but as @david_a said, your mother would 100% not want you to give up. She would want you to keep going, otherwise everything she did for you will be for nothing. In time, her memory will become a source of strength and inspiration.

My sympathies to you too @david_a for your losses, and anyone else here who lost someone recently. Seems to be a rash of it going around :(

[Reviver]

. . . . you saw your mother die right in front of you. . . . I lost my mother to the afterlife in similar way.  It sounds very easily that this memory will cut deeply a scar into your memories and soul that never completely heals in your own time on Earth.

 

With my own mother, I was struggling to not give into panic while the ambulance and Emergency Medical Technicians were on the way.  I called for assistance after she was unable to speak anymore.  I even told her to try to calm down, but she said "I can't calm down!"  I remember feeling angry with her for not trying to help her situation, and I very fiercely looked her dead in the eyes at close range, to get her attention and to try to get her not panic.

 

I suppose she never had seen me with such indignation, for she uttered "Jesus Christ!" while getting further excited and from dealing with her heart failing her.  She shortly lost the ability to speak, and also she lost the ability to control her body.  She couldn't even use her arms to touch her heart as she had been doing before -- at that point, I called for medical assistance. . . .

 

I followed the instructions provided via the phone call, but the EMT and ambulance arrived about 15 minutes later, and far too late.

 

I saw her die right in front of me without realizing it.  She was motionless with her eyes wide-open, with a sense of shock and disbelief, as if the last of her energy was spent thinking "this is not happening to me."

 

When medical help did arrive, they, upon my instructions, tried to revive her back to life with CPR AND with electric shock.  I won't describe any more of that tragic and fateful night.

 

If you feel you need to cry or just think about what you experienced, please do so, and don't be afraid to be angry about what happened with her loss.

 

I give you one warning though: tragedies involving family deaths can reveal the true nature of people you know.  Please keep this in mind as events progress involving money and material posessions involving your mother.

[Dr. Zin]

5 hours ago, Man of Doom said:

Like my dad told me, we need to start from scratch. But what if it’s already too late for that?

 

What you're going through is a tragedy, there's no way around it. Though right now it may seem like the obstacles facing you are insurmountable, with time you will conquer them. There's always the opportunity to start over (unless you commit a heinous crime and get sentenced to life in prison - so don't do that), especially since it sounds like you are pretty young. Financial issues are transitory, I've known people with crippling debt who turned it around to own their own house within five years. Don't try to repress your grief, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other - things will get better.

Edited February 16, 2023 by Dr. Zin

[xX_Lol6_Xx]

5 hours ago, Man of Doom said:

I watched my own mother pass away in front of my eyes.

Oh man that must be really heart-breaking. I actually have a similar experience, I was like 7 or 8 years old and one day, when I got to my grandma's house, I was actually the first one to see my grandpa dead, he was suffering diabetes and apparently he passed away right when my grannie went pick me up to school. As a kid it didn't have much impact on me but now that I've grown up, I feel sad about it. You have all my condolences, it's always hard to lose someone you love.

5 hours ago, Man of Doom said:

I saw my dad not only cry for the first time, but be reduced to inconsolable wailing.

I can understand that, especially if it's a long marriage.

5 hours ago, Man of Doom said:

I should just stop existing altogether

Hey hey, don't take precipitated decisions, think about the consequences of this idea, imagine if you just ended your life, right now when your family needs you the most, the scars your mom's death left to your relatives would be ten times worse and that could lead to your sis and dad to also commit suicide. I get this is a tragic event and that you're deeply depressed, but these are the times when you need to be strong (Not saying you can't feel bad, it's completely normal, but seriously think about what would happen if you cracked and commit suicide). If you can, seek consolation from a close friend you trust.

5 hours ago, Man of Doom said:

But in any case, my mom’s absence has left deep, stinking wounds in our hearts that look like they’ll never fucking heal.

Never lose hope, even in the worst circumstances there's room for improvement. I don't want to sound insensitive because I know this is a pretty delicate situation, but maybe try to get closer to your family, spend as much time with them as you can, and always be thankful to God (or whoever you believe in) that you still have you dad and sister.

[The Dommo]

7 hours ago, Man of Doom said:

Due to obvious reasons, expect a rant.
 

 

About a month ago, my mom ended up having what seemed like some sort of attack at her job. She was then taken to the hospital, and it turned out she needed open heart surgery.

 

A few days after that, we’re able to take her home where she then looked to be legitimately recovering. I mean, it looked like she was really on the mend and was even expecting to get back to her job within a couple of weeks’ time.

 

But then last night happened. Suddenly, her health declined just like that and we got her to the ER again. 

 

I don’t even want to talk about what happened there, but:

 

(Spoilered for content warning for death)
 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

I watched my own mother pass away in front of my eyes. There was nothing that could be done anymore.

 

The nurses, doctors, they all said nothing could be done.

 

 

 

Going forward, I’m thinking of putting together a GoFundMe to not only help cover my mom’s funeral/hospital expenses, but also to finally put behind the debt we accumulated over the years.

This way, we won’t have to worry about money as much when we finally see about moving away from where I currently am.

 

In any case, I am done with my family being subject to all this endless suffering.

 

For the past few years, me and my family have been through some absolute trials and tribulations I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy (including financial tribulations).

Case in point, even moving to a different state after my dad finally found a job that offered to him left the family in the red for several months.

 

And now, all my mom gets for her efforts is an early grave, and she was far too young to have those kinds of problems.

 

I saw my dad not only cry for the first time, but be reduced to inconsolable wailing.

 

My sister would not be consoled by anyone except for her boyfriend.

 

And here I am, stuck between feeling completely numb, a combination of shock and denial that my own mom is gone, and the creeping feeling that maybe I should just stop existing altogether because I’ve witnessed too much firsthand pain for one lifetime.

 

But in any case, my mom’s absence has left deep, stinking wounds in our hearts that look like they’ll never fucking heal.

 

Like my dad told me, we need to start from scratch. But what if it’s already too late for that?

 

I don’t know how to end this, so I’ll just leave it like that.

i'm.. so sorry. that sucks. big time. hope you can get over it.

[Individualised]

Sorry to hear about your loss, heartbreaking to read this. The world is a very unfair place.

[taufan99]

My deepest condolences for your family's loss. It's always heartbreaking to see someone you love pass away, especially before your own eyes.

[Biodegradable]

I'm very sorry for your loss, MoD.

[xScavengerWolfx]

Goddamn man, sorry to hear that. I've lost my mother three years ago. I know that pain all too well my man, all too well.

[Eurisko]

I saw my Dad go in front of me so I can totally relate. It took me a good while to stop thinking about that. 
Things WILL get better. Take things and days one at a time. 
 

I wish you all the best and so sorry for your loss. Here if you need someone to talk to. 

[Man of Doom]

Hey everyone, thank you so much for the outpouring of support. I’ve taken the time to read each and every one of your messages, so don’t think that I’m ignoring you or anything like that.

 

I can’t tell you how much it means to me. I’m not sure that even with time, the pain is going to lessen but I can try to hope so.

 

 

Anyway, I’ve went and got a chance to make that GFM page as well as added it to the OP.

 

In any case, though, I think after the funeral and hospital stuff is all taken care of for my mom (as well as the debts my immediate family has accumulated over the years), I think I’m going to go on ahead and finally move out on my own (or at least go live with like a roommate or something along those lines).

 

I think it’s time for me to go out and discover who I am, on my own terms this time.

Edited February 17, 2023 by Man of Doom

[Caffeine Freak]

I'm very truly sorry to hear about this, man. Suffice to say, I can't pretend to know what you're going through right now, because I don't. I honestly don't know if I can give you any worthwhile advice either (at least without repeating what others have said here), being that my parents are still alive. Thanks for linking the GFM page.

[Man of Doom]

Hey, so an update.

 

So this first week has probably been the toughest week I’ve probably ever had to deal with. It’s not only been trying to deal with all the emotional and psychological fallout of losing a parent, but also the fact we’ve been doing whatever it takes to get all of our life stuff in order so we can adjust accordingly.

But yeah, the world is absolutely now a lesser place without my mom in it. If you met her, you’d probably agree that she was one of the sweetest and kindest souls you’ve ever met.
 

Going forward, this whole thing has been a massive wake-up call for me to finally start seeking out professional mental help for real.

Even though it’s been something I’ve wanted to do for some time, let’s just say it’s not on the backburner anymore.

 

Not only that, I’d like to finally get started on seeing about working towards living on my own.

Even though this is a process that’s going to take a long while, I know it’s something my mom would’ve wanted for me.

 

And as for the Doom manga, I’m still going to be working on that. It just may take a bit of time for me to officially get back on that.

 

 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all so much for the support.

Edited February 23, 2023 by Man of Doom

[david_a]

It's hard. I'm only like a month ahead of you. Things are starting to settle into a new normal (it will never be the same) and I have more mental room to really start feeling the loss.

 

I'm glad you're seeking help. Asking for help is the hardest step. It sounds like you still have a family you need to be there for. Remember that you need to take care of yourself in order to help others. That's not being selfish - if you try to do too much on top of a bad foundation you're going to burn yourself out completely, which will leave everybody worse off.

 

Take care of yourself, and remember to be kind to yourself too. Take things one step at a time.

[TheEyeOfStone]

I am sorry for your loss, I've had a bereavement and a very bad health scare in my own near orbit lately, I sympathize.

Edited February 24, 2023 by TheEyeOfStone

[Azuris]

 

On 2/23/2023 at 5:41 AM, Man of Doom said:

 

 

I wish you all the best and that you and your Family will find out of this incredible dark Hole.

Saludos

[Man of Doom]

So, given an event like this, I figured it would be time to give you an update on how things are, about half a year from when it happened.


To give you the summary version of how I'm doing: I'm doing ok.

I've been seeking out professional help, I've been doing everything to keep myself busy, I've made it a point especially to take good care of myself physically and mentally (that includes being more gentle with myself). I've made it a point to do things I enjoy whenever I can.

(As for that GoFundMe that was mentioned: it's all taken care of and over with. I was able to take care of the hospital bills with that.)


But while the pain isn't as intense as it used to be, it's still there regardless (though less immediately sharp and more dull and throbbing). The most apt comparison I can make would likely be losing a limb or an extremity (complete with the phantom pain that comes with it).

You know that whatever you lost is never coming back, but sometimes you feel like it's still there (the pain of losing it and all). And sometimes, that pain just flares right back up.


Not only that, this isn't even the first time I've had someone adjacent to me be taken away so soon. So many friends just leave us here without so much as a warning let alone a goodbye, all over the span of just a few years alone.

Without getting into specifics, death has officially become my least favorite acquaintance.


You start to ask questions, the kinds of questions you hope to never even think about when you reach the age of 30, let alone younger than that.

"What if today could be my last day?" "Who's going to take care of those I care about?" "Have I already reached the age where life stops giving things and starts taking them away?"


More than anything, I think the one thing I've come to dread the most is this fear that one day I'm going to look at a picture of my mom, and all I'll end up seeing is a stranger.

But one thing is for sure: every single day, I made damn sure to remind my mom just how much I loved her and how that will never change no matter what.


So, honoring her memory is going to be a thing I'm going to do for the rest of my days. I know I need to keep going, and I need to find my own path.
After all, the final promise I made to her was that I'm going to live the best life I can.


Even before this, I still have no idea how I managed to get the idea of "make a Doom manga" in my head (especially because I still have a professional career to build). But I do know that it's something that's helped me to process almost the past decade of my adulthood which seems mired in almost nothing but tragedy.
Grief is now my second least-favorite acquaintance.

I know I need a story to tell, and I hope something like this can help me to build a life I can say I'll be able to thrive in.

Edited July 20, 2023 by Man of Doom

[Murdoch]

17 hours ago, Man of Doom said:

So, honoring her memory is going to be a thing I'm going to do for the rest of my days. I know I need to keep going, and I need to find my own path.
After all, the final promise I made to her was that I'm going to live the best life I can.

 

Thanks for the update. And yes, this is exactly the right perspective to have. All a good parent wants for their kids is for them to be happy with themselves and, as cringey as it may sound, live their best life. When they see you happy and succeeding at what you want to do, it makes every battle they fought to raise you worth it. So that's the best way to honour them, regardless of if they are still around or not. Good luck to you.

[Rudolph]

Are you going to be fine engaging with anything Doom-related, given how thematically morbid the franchise is as a whole?

 

Or is its handling of death just too cartoony and silly to affect you emotionally?

[david_a]

Glad to hear you're doing OK Man of Doom!

[Halfblind]

I totally understand how you feel. I lost my 61-year-old father in 2015 due to a heart condition. He was struggling with heart problems for years, but the doctors weren't able to give him a concrete diagnosis as to what was wrong. He died suddenly due to his heart completely stopping a few days after my birthday. Prior to this I was struggling with a chronic digestive illness and to this day I still don't completely know what is wrong with me either. Currently I have a chronic illness and I am losing hope to ever feel better again. Believe me I totally understand how you feel. People would lie to you and say that it will get better every day, but life just gets harder for a very long time afterwards. The best thing to do is to keep going and pushing forward with your life. Also, if you live in the states, you are legally able to take 3 weeks off for bereavement leave and your employer cannot do anything about it. I wish I knew that when my dad passed away, because it would have made things less difficult afterwards.

Edited July 29, 2023 by Halfblind

[Apprentice]

On 2/15/2023 at 7:49 PM, Man of Doom said:

This hurts.

 

A bit late but still sorry for your loss :(

[june gloom]

A big chunk of my family, including both parents and all four grandparents, are gone. I too watched my mom pass away; I had to pull the plug on her after she came down with a very sudden case of sepsis that left her functionally braindead. (Get your flu shots, people! Mom was an anti-vaxxer and taught the children of anti-vaxxers and she was always sick because she didn't believe in doctors or medicine. If she had survived to see Covid she would not have made it.)

 

I'm really sorry for your loss and I want you to know that I completely understand. Just know that it's going to be hard for a while. But nearly five years after my mom passed away I've mostly come to terms with the fact that my immediate family is just gone.

[Bucket]

I can only give you the same advice I got when my mom died: don't let anyone tell you how you're supposed to feel.

[june gloom]

Word to that. I had a lot of complicated feelings about my mom, but people didn't wanna hear it, and tried to imply that I hated my mother for being honest about what she put me through. I wasn't having that.

[Man of Doom]

On 7/21/2023 at 10:43 AM, Rudolph said:

Are you going to be fine engaging with anything Doom-related, given how thematically morbid the franchise is as a whole?

 

Or is its handling of death just too cartoony and silly to affect you emotionally?

Honestly, given how Doom has pretty much been there to help take care of me in both good times and bad, it's safe to say I'll be able to keep it by my side.

Hell, I know that while Mighty Doom of all things has been there to help me immensely with the first few months in regards to keeping my sanity.

Additionally, while on a trip, my family and I went on those ghost tours (the ones where you tour a bunch of haunted places) and something about it was not only fascinating but also cathartic.


Again, thank you all so much for your kind words, I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate them. Currently, I'm just working to take each day one step at a time.

[Murdoch]

11 minutes ago, Man of Doom said:

Honestly, given how Doom has pretty much been there to help take care of me in both good times and bad, it's safe to say I'll be able to keep it by my side.

 

Rudolph is a master of bizarre interpretation. That's why I blocked him months ago. I have heard many things said about Doom but thematically morbid is definitely not one of them. You're taking on the forces of Hell and emerging triumphant. The setting is morbid, but the ultimate theme is sure as hell isn't.