I need help

[bobstremglav]

18 minutes ago, Solmyr said:

are you taking psycoactive meds?

No

18 minutes ago, Solmyr said:

otherwise there might be underlying factors such as economy or family issues

May be, but I don't want to talk about it much

[Solmyr]

8 minutes ago, bobstremglav said:

May be, but I don't want to talk about it much

Well, fair enough.

[thomasthetankengine]

I know you already stated that you were feeling better, but please, remember what I'm saying here.

Yes, life right now may not be the best. it's a struggle. sometimes we've got golden days, the other days are silver, and then there's just the rubbish days. Please, whatever you do, just push through the rubbish days. Those days will end, eventually. Sure, it may not be tomorrow. But eventually, one day, things will look up for you. This is something that I fully guarantee.

[Redneckerz]

2 hours ago, bobstremglav said:

Because I honestly expected to get suicide advice

But the result is the contrary. So what does this mean?

I believe much more people would want to remind you of your worth than to claim you are worthless. Please realize this. You matter, and do not doubt  otherwise.

[iddq_tea]

I already said this on discord but... please seek professional help. I speak from experience when I say that it really helps. You've made so many cool things, be it games, art, or doom maps - and I think you can do a lot more. You have talent. You talk yourself down a lot, and I get it, I've been there myself, but believe me when I say that you do matter.

[BeetBeardTheBrave]

No matter how bad it seems, it it never worth it to give up on the potential of future joys, my friend.  I know it is hard to imagine life ever being good, and in the face of military conscription, it may seem pointless or like you have no control over yourself.  I felt that way when I was 27, and nearly took my own life because of it.  While I didn't have boots on the ground, I felt friendless, loveless, pointless, and terrified of the future. .  Like a burden to my family, and society.  I had the knife on my wrists but didn't go through with it, because like you, I felt like a "wussy."  I started talking to myself and co-workers and God about how I felt, and realized how many people felt similarly.  Maybe not as dire as me, but still hopeless and pointless.  Kind of like a grim, dolorous camaraderie sort of.  As I started to be more honest about how I was feeling and why, i actually started to feel more free, and see more beauty around me.  Don't get me wrong, I was still fucking sad as shit, but I didn't see the sadness as something inherent to me, but a burden I had to bear.  It was contextualized, it was outside of me now.  And that helped me know how to deal with it.  And month by month, year by year, things bot brighter. You never get to the point of rolling out of bed, seeing rainbows and birds sing, and leaping to greet the day with a song like a Disney movie.  But with self-compassion, and being open to other people who you trust, you get to the point of finding a little joy each day, and living for that, being fulfilled by that, and bearing your sadness with an understanding that it is not you. I promise.  It is an inner demon trying to convince you his lies are real.  He's a sad little shit who magnifies your worries, and does everything he can to convince you he is the real you.  He is not, and you're a lot better than you know.

 

Compassion, understanding and peace are always closer than they feel, if you look for them.  And you can always show them to yourself.  Personally, I've found the more I do that, the easier it is do to for others, and the more others do it for me too.  If you've made it this far, you're already a goddamn baddass.  The fact that you had the courage to share it here shows you have the strength and stoicism of a goddamn Spartan.  That takes guts, and if you got that, you can beat this thing.  Get Therapy if you can.  Remember, your brain is an asshole and lies to you, and I promise this storm is worth weathering.  It is a storm, and all storms subside.  It may last long, but there is peace on the other side. <3  

 

 

Edited May 30, 2023 by BeetBeardTheBrave

[Ludi]

@Mr. Freeze gave me some advice regarding how a suicidal person feels in the moment; The last thing a suicidal person thinks after jumping off a building is "I wish I didn't jump off the building". I promise that life will get better. Every rock bottom *must* go back up.

 

He gave me permission to paraphrase his words, just an FYI to y'all.

 

Please don't fret to seek help. Everyone needs help sometimes.

Edited May 30, 2023 by Ludi

[fraggle]

8 hours ago, bobstremglav said:

Sorry for bothering, thank you all

I feel better

I think it's very important that you shouldn't ignore what happened yesterday. Depression is an illness like any other. I didn't understand myself just how true this was until I became clinically depressed myself. Just like any other illness you should seek medical help to properly treat and manage it. 

 

If you're in the US please call 988 for free to be put through to someone you can talk to. For other countries there's a list of organizations here, their websites and phone numbers:
https://support.google.com/websearch/answer/11181469

 

Help is out there, you do not need to feel this way and things can get better. I can tell you from my own personal experience that this is the case. I can't repeat enough, this is an illness. If you broke your leg or were injured you would go to see a doctor. It's not the same kind of illness but the action you should take is the same. 

[bobstremglav]

I feel even worse dread just by idea of telling about this to mom or doctors.

I asked my gf to prepare message and explain situation, I just can't say anything. I'm too afraid of being hated for having such issue or being told again that I'm healthy.

I feel tired and can't do much, probably will go to sleep. Maybe this will calm me down a bit or give more energy.

[Mr. Freeze]

It's probably best to take a step back and get some sleep in. 

[Murdoch]

12 hours ago, bobstremglav said:

how everybody can possibly live better without me

 

Negative beliefs need to be challenged. Don't go based on what you feel, go based on what they do. I sincerely doubt your family feels they are better off without you. You might have some issues with them, but odds are they still love you and would be devastated to lose you. It takes a genuine sociopath to think "I'd be better off without this member of my family". This, I do have genuine experience with. A friend of mine's daughter tried to kill herself, I just found out yesterday. I actually grew up with her father and was good friends with him. But then he split with the mother, and I realised just what an absolutely unfeeling bastard he was. Everyone around him were props to be used as he saw fit. Everything was someone else's fault, never his. He's basically disowned this particular daughter and treated her like crap, even hit her once. He took two weeks off to supposedly help her and support her, and spent it renovating his bedroom instead.

 

I am telling you this to give you a point of comparison, so you can see the difference between someone who genuinely wouldn't care to be rid of someone he views an an inconvenience and your family where, there may be problems, but there is (I hope) still love. So ask yourself, is this my fear talking or do I have genuine reason to believe they don't care about me?

 

12 hours ago, bobstremglav said:

Because I honestly expected to get suicide advice

 

You'd have to be pretty sick to give someone advice and encouragement to kill themselves.

 

6 hours ago, bobstremglav said:

I'm too afraid of being hated for having such issue

 

I would ask you to ask yourself, is this belief based on something your family really said to you, or is it based purely on your own fears?

Edited May 31, 2023 by Murdoch

[lubba127]

Jesus this was the last thing I expected to see on Doomworld of all places-

 

While I cannot provide you with any new or helpful information that hasn't already been brought up by the many thoughtful and wonderful people in this thread, I can still offer you some compassion.

 

Please know that you matter and that you are loved. The support of the many people here who have never even seen your face are an example of just how much value you hold simply by existing. The short term fear of being judged is not worth living the rest of your life suffering (and ending yourself prematurely because of it). 

 

I hope to see you stick around.

[Zulk RS]

11 hours ago, bobstremglav said:

I feel even worse dread just by idea of telling about this to mom or doctors.

I asked my gf to prepare message and explain situation, I just can't say anything. I'm too afraid of being hated for having such issue or being told again that I'm healthy.

I feel tired and can't do much, probably will go to sleep. Maybe this will calm me down a bit or give more energy.

 

Yeah getting some sleep is a good idea.

Also if anyone hates you for having suicidal thoughts, I feel like that's more of a sign that they are a bad person.

[Murdoch]

20 minutes ago, Zulk RS said:

 

Yeah getting some sleep is a good idea.

Also if anyone hates you for having suicidal thoughts, I feel like that's more of a sign that they are a bad person.

 

It is a sign that person is firmly in the weapons grade asshole category.

[bobstremglav]

My gf prepaired text and going to message my mom soon.

I afraid of possible incoming talk, but if I continue to hide what I feel I actually can end up with "proof" of my unstable sanity, so maybe this is not so bad.

[OliveTree]

Hey, get some rest. Everything will be okay. You have a lot of people here and seemingly irl who care about you. I'm proud of you for reaching out for help.

[Murdoch]

You doing OK Bob?

[bobstremglav]

Not really.

I think I caused more tears and stress by saying about this to mom and friends, maybe silence would be better.

[Biodegradable]

No, this is for the best. 

[OliveTree]

Its good that you opened up

[Redneckerz]

2 hours ago, bobstremglav said:

Not really.

I think I caused more tears and stress by saying about this to mom and friends, maybe silence would be better.

Its always better to stand up for yourself and say what's wrong. It takes a great heart to confront your own inner fears, and that's exactly what you did.

[LoatharMDPhD]

I Don't want to be cliche but i am going to be both that and sincere... I myself have had a  tumultuous existence; my 20's were a blur of impulsivity and self doubt.  // In my experience, i find that psychotropic medications, even when prescribed by professionals, are, at least in my experience, detrimental to overall health and well being. My uncle Mike (RIP) was of a similar opinion.

 

Why do we fell, So... Hopeless... When a man lacks responsibility or purpose, he invalidates his own existence (be it in a spiritual way or with tangible actions).

 

I've had 3 friends, end their lives prematurely, including my paternal grandmother. Suicide is only a temporary relief, reincarnation and purgation aside.

 

Listen to some Jordan Peterson Podcasts please; pedantic, a bit preachy, and some of the best insight into the human experience available in a 2 hour media..

 

go outside, get some fresh smog in the lungs, pick up litter, absolve yourself of guilt and expectations.

 

When your in your 20's you are worried about what everyone thinks about you.... when you're in your 40's you realize that nobodies opinion of you matters, by your 60's you realize nobodies thinking about you.

 

We are the summation of our deed and legacy is as easily forgotten as is it established.

 

at the end of the rope, you can't press E to restart..

 

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

 

 

 

if any apply, get a sandwich (sandwedge) hug and a nap, and try again in the morrow,.

 

Rome wasn't built in a day, but it was burned to a cinder over a long weekend.

 

keep cool and remember, the world sucks, you don't that's why every thing seems like it's on fire... Always Look On the Bright Side of Life...

[LoatharMDPhD]

On 5/30/2023 at 2:20 AM, bobstremglav said:

I don't trust anybody. As I know there no such therapists in my city, and one who was checking me for army service stated that I'm completely healthy. I think they all will just say that I'm healthy so I can be involved into war, and no matter who I will ask or how many times I'll go to court.

I hope at least after my death I will be as healthy. If they don't see it then I'll have to prove it with actions, not just words, even if it means overcoming my fear and killing myself.

Experts... tend to  be full of shit... and the military doctors, are built to a price point, not necessarily for accuracy of diagnosis...

[LoatharMDPhD]

//...ohhh boy... how about, Psilosibin, 5MEO or MDA/MDMA.... in a safe and chaperoned environment, that might be the bit needed to crack the stone upon your chest...

 

 

[bobstremglav]

11 minutes ago, LoatharMDPhD said:

ohhh boy... how about, Psilosibin, 5MEO or MDA/MDMA.... in a safe and chaperoned environment, that might be the bit needed to crack the stone upon your chest...

Are these medical drugs?

I don't know, we still have to find doctor and visit him first.

 

I tried alcohol... noticed that during last 6 months I went from 1,5 litres of beer per month up to 4,5-7, and it's not really working now

[Murdoch]

4 hours ago, bobstremglav said:

Not really.

I think I caused more tears and stress by saying about this to mom and friends, maybe silence would be better.

 

Not even close. I am going to start with a bit of a disclaimer here Bob. Do not take anything I am about to say (or will say) to you, as in anyway negative against you as a person. What you are going through right now is completely NOT YOUR FAULT! You did not ask for this, you did not do this to yourself. This has been done to you. You are in no different of a situation to an otherwise healthy living person who suddenly gets the terrifying and unfair news they have cancer.

And the mention of cancer segues nicely into my next point. Of course they were upset to hear you were going through this. As difficult as it may be to understand with your current mindset, the way they reacted is completely normal. It means they care. If they didn't care, they would not be upset. It's no different to our cancer analogy. But even cancer can often be fought, even if it is a very tough fight. Depression on the scale of what you are experiencing is so much more insidious. That's why getting help and support is so very crucial.

 

So yes, their reaction, and I use the word in the loosest possible sense given these most unfortunate of circumstances, good. I absolutely guarantee you that if you did take your own life, the stress you are seeing right now would be a million times worse. It took immense courage to do what you did and shows that on some level, even if you don't necessarily think you do, that you want help and you want to get better. Hold onto that.

 

21 minutes ago, LoatharMDPhD said:

//...ohhh boy... how about, Psilosibin, 5MEO or MDA/MDMA.... in a safe and chaperoned environment, that might be the bit needed to crack the stone upon your chest...

 

Hell no. Those things mess with your brain chemistry in a big way. Given Bob is likely suffering from an imbalance in his brain chemistry of some kind, throwing something like that in the mix would potentially be the equivalent of trying to put out a forest fire by dousing it in napalm. I am not an expert, but my lady is. She has a masters degree in psychology and is about as smart as they come. She's told me about how something generally considered "safe" as weed can still screw with people's brain chemistry with disastrous results. There's no one size fits all solution here. Human beings are not that simple.

 

3 minutes ago, bobstremglav said:

Are these medical drugs?

 

No, they are not. Please do not take this advice. See my above comment. Get help from an actual professional. Hell, get as many opinions as you possibly can.

Edited June 1, 2023 by Murdoch

[dasho]

19 minutes ago, LoatharMDPhD said:

//...ohhh boy... how about, Psilosibin, 5MEO or MDA/MDMA.... in a safe and chaperoned environment, that might be the bit needed to crack the stone upon your chest...

 

 

 

This is shit-tier advice; don't follow it.

[bobstremglav]

I was really wacky these few days. Wanting to sleep more, and don't even remember properly what was happening these days. Lost almost all motivation to make anything, except did small slaughter map for vanilla doom.

 

Not having currently suicidal thoughts, but feeling a bit of shame and... like empty person. I'll go to sleep soon, maybe next day would be better.

[Murdoch]

Just now, bobstremglav said:

I was really wacky these few days. Wanting to sleep more, and don't even remember properly what was happening these days. Lost almost all motivation to make anything, except did small slaughter map for vanilla doom.

 

Not having currently suicidal thoughts, but feeling a bit of shame and... like empty person. I'll go to sleep soon, maybe next day would be better.

 

Some days are naturally going to be better than others. Just take one day at a time.

[LoatharMDPhD]

5 minutes ago, bobstremglav said:

Are these medical drugs?

I don't know, we still have to find doctor and visit him first.

 

I tried alcohol... noticed that during last 6 months I went from 1,5 litres of beer per month up to 4,5-7, and it's not really working now

Far too much drink does not help. 2020 was the year of cirrhosis for me... there are more problems than answers in the bottom of a bottle... and im Ukrainian so Vodka is... a staple.. Too much drink makes the little devil on the shoulder louder, don't give him that respect...