CSI: Doomworld

[Alfonzo]

http://i.imgur.com/Qlwrr.png (<-- Click for a closer inspection, PI!)

January 9th 2013, 02:09am
CC2 Monitoring Outpost
CCTV Images
Staff Present: Chief Inspector Paddy Fisk; Constable Bucket

Due to severe cutbacks in conservative led government funding and sexual allegations within the UAC's military branch, law enforcement now looks to Doomworld to assist in investigating the deaths of marines in suspiciously promiscuous circumstances. It is hoped that with these young and inquisitive minds behind the investgation, humanity's last hope for survival will quickly return to the task of killing demons and stop fucking around.

<Ch_Insp Fisk> Rockets... rockets everywhere. But no rocket launcher. Does it mean anything to you, constable?
<CC_Bucket> Yes it does, Inspector Fisk. It's Impse, straight up.
<Ch_Insp Fisk> ...What.
<CC_Bucket> Rape. Dead simple. Open and shut. Aucun doute à son sujet.
<Ch_Insp Fisk> I'm not sure I see where you're coming from, constable. And I would appreciate it if you didn't use that word near a sentence with my name in it.
<CC_Bucket> Right, sorry.
<Ch_Insp Fisk> Or talk French.
<CC_Bucket> Sure... But you know it's obvious. Look over there at the imp on the far left. He's hobbling off in a rather suggestive manner, don't you think?
<Ch_Insp Fisk> it looks like he's been shot in the arse, to me.
<CC_Bucket> Yes and maybe that's true. Or... perhaps that marine had his way with it before the others could get to him and finish him off. You've heard about the encounters, surely? And then look over there, by his body... there's a pistol -- probably with no bullets in it -- and it's very wet around the barrel.
<Ch_Insp Fisk> Spitshine. He was probably just cleaning it.
<CC_Bucket> Really, inspector? Really?
<Ch_Insp Fisk> Yes. And you know, I think you've been away from the force for too long, constable. It's clouding your better judgement.
<CC_Bucket> >_>
<Ch_Insp Fisk> I caught you hanging outside XXXStacy's downtown yesterday. "Mingling" with the other people, you were...
<CC_Bucket> That so?
<Ch_Insp Fisk> Yeah.
<CC_Bucket> Look, inspector, let's not go and make this a personal matter when it doesn't need to be. I know it's hard to face the facts here, but this is an open and shut case of the kind we don't want to see... and you know it. These boys go for months without any sort of human contact, and hell only knows what sort of desires are running through their mind or filling up their pants. We're fighting more than just demons here, now, and god help us: if we don't crack down on this problem fast then it's just going to rear up on its back legs and bite us in the balls.
<Ch_Insp Fisk> I don't accept it.
<CC_Bucket> *sigh*
<Ch_Insp Fisk> There are still a bunch of mangled imps lying around the corner that we saw on the other images, one of which is here. None of those showed any evidence of having been--
<CC_Bucket> Fucked.
<Ch_Insp Fisk> abused, constable Bucket. For all we know our marine friend here just hadn't found a launcher yet and decided to shoot that imp in the backside.
<CC_Bucket> Yes but--
<Ch_Insp Fisk> And look up there!
<CC_Bucket> What?
<Ch_Insp Fisk> THERE. The three stooges.
<CC_Bucket> ...
<Ch_Insp Fisk> The cacodemons.
<CC_Bucket> Yeah alright, I see them. They're stacked for three -- it's very impressive.
<Ch_Insp Fisk> Doesn't that strike you as being at least a little bit odd.
<CC_Bucket> They're just perverted lookouts, inspector. They're just there for the thrills.
<Ch_Insp Fisk> Oh is that so, constable? Just lookouts? And why are all the turrets empty?

*BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!*

<Drill Sergeant Maes> Right, that's the end of this post. Stop the Thread. Stop it.

And now it's over to you, Private Investigators of Doomworld. What happened here at The Mucus Flow on January the 9th? And what other puzzling cases remain unsolved?

PS: The individuals featured in this extract are entirely fictitious characters created by the author of this post.

[Memfis]

that marine couldn't stand the awful ammo balance and killed himself

[Tristan]

I think the three stooges/caco's are Whoo, Captain Toenail, and BloodyAcid.
Let's ask them what happened.

And let's not get caught by Superintendent Essel.

[fraggle]

Wait, what's that in the screenshot? Quadrant G5, zoom and enhance.

[Blue Shadow]

So all of this was just for the lame-ass not-even-funny impse joke?

Well done, sir...

[Bucket]

To be fair, impse is my go-to answer for everything.

[TwinBeast]

Zooming and Enhancing:

[Scuba Steve]

Oh shit, is that B.P.R.D.'s Mucus Flow? One of the best.

[Alfonzo]

http://i.imgur.com/cfs9Y.png

New and critical screencaps regarding the incident have arrived from the CCTV Monitoring Outpost, PI. Dated January 10th, 8:40pm.

<CC_Bucket> He was stockpiling blur spheres, chief inspector!
<Ch_Insp Fisk> Stop it. Stop it now.
<CC_Bucket> You know it to be true, though. And what about the stray lost souls? Mementos of procreation.
<Ch_Insp Fisk> This is disgraceful, constable. How did they ever let you on the force?

[Quasar]

Jimi said:

Zooming and Enhancing:

Wait, zoom in on the eye... enhancing the reflection on the sclera...

[Kaiser]

Looks like that Spider

* puts on glasses


was the Mastermind behind it all


YYYEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH

[Quasar]

Kaiser said:

Looks like that Spider

* puts on glasses


was the Mastermind behind it all


YYYEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH

Not so fast, Corporal :P

[Evolution]

Quasar said:

enhancing the reflection on the sclera...

Corneal imaging! GJ

[Acid]

I can't imagine what that chaingun is for then :>

[Scypek2]

BloodyAcid said:

I can't imagine what that chaingun is for then :>

for a mancubus.

[Obsidian]

It looks like those Imps were brutally pumped full of a Mari....NONONOSTOPBADMENTALIMAGE

[bcwood16]

Its just a classic threesome that went horribly wrong, the imps with their back turned are disgussted (they did try to warm them of the dangers though) and the Cacodemons were trying to get a decent recording to put on GalacticTube.

Obviously the imp with its sore ass survived the threesome....just....and you can clearly see the trials of blood leading from the bodies to the imp.

Finally there was a pervert standing up in the top right, with a good view (should get him for questioning)

[GreyGhost]

st.alfonzo said:

http://i.imgur.com/cfs9Y.png

New and critical screencaps regarding the incident have arrived from the CCTV Monitoring Outpost, PI. Dated January 10th, 8:40pm.

Look at that pillar, the room's been vandalized!

[Splatter]

Has the marine in question ever expressed views critical of the War on Hell?