Kwality

[SoKatH]

You know what's great, that thing from the official Doom FAQ by Hank Leukart. You remember that, the thing at the very end, the DooM InSaNiTy section, not the night before doom poem, but that "dialogue transcript" of the demons addressing Earth, that was great.. especially then

"shut up or I'll missile your head too"

does anyone know where I could find that..??

S./

[stphrz]

I thought others might want to read this too :)

============================
=SECTION FIVE= MISCELLANEOUS
============================

---------------------------------------------
CHAPTER (20): Confidential NORAD transmission
---------------------------------------------

Well, Chapter [20] has gotten a lot of feedback. This is the
chapter where I place the newest edition to DOOM iNsAnItY, the comedy file
I also publish about DOOM. If you enjoy this chapter, download
"dinsan57.txt" on your favorite online service or FTP site.
You can thank "Clint" (ffjjd@acad3.alaska.edu) for this one!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I work for NORAD (North American Defense) and recently the
following transmission was received from the planet Mars. Originally
it was classified top secret and sealed away in a vault. I felt it was
too important to humanity and so I absconded with a copy of it and
have decided to release it to the world. I fear for the future of
humanity. The message is as follows:

(lots of static and radio frequency type noises which finally clear. A
bunch of voices can be heard mumbling to one another.)

Voice 1: Are we on?

Voice 2: What's going on? Did you guys get a link yet?

Voice 3: We're on man we've got a clean connection.

Voice 2: oh we're on?

Voice 1: I think we're on.

Voice 4: (booming and aggravated) You're on you damn morons start
talking now or I missile your faces.

EX-MARINE ROGER JOHNSON: Hello earthlings. How's it going? We've
got a problem up here on Mars. You guys keep coming up here and
attacking us. And I'm not talking about just a few of you, this must
be the rage or something because you guys seem to be coming in
droves. What's the deal? Can't you just leave us alone? What did we
ever do to hurt you guys? You probably think we're the problem.
You probably think we started all of this but actually it was you
guys. Sure we shoot back now but wouldn't you too? Sometimes we
even shoot first just because we're all so edgy. But it's all because of
the havoc and destruction you have wrought on our once peaceful
little colony. Why can't you just stay on Earth and leave us all alone?

I'm going to tell you something right now you've got a lot of the
residents up here really pissed and I don't think they're all going to
take this lying down. Some of these guys are starting to get really
irritated so you better watch yourselves. Anyway I don't want to
sound threatening..... Oh darn a piece of my rotten arm just fell off.....
ouch that smarts. Like I was saying I don't want to sound
threatening or anything but you guys are taking a toll on us and I
was just wondering if you maybe you could chill out a little bit?
Would that be possible?

BOOMING VOICE: Get that whimpering [annoyance] out of there before I
missile his head.

EX-SERGEANT BUD SCHIMTZ: Sergeant schmitz here. Look folks lets
talk numbers here for a minute. Do you have any idea what the kill
ratio we're looking at here is? I don't have hard numbers but it's
something like 50 to 1. You folks are killing fifty of our young men
for every one of you that we kill. And like roger said, this is all in
self defense. Now what in God's name are you savages trying to
accomplish. These are fine young men who could have had careers.
They could have had futures. But no you [idiots] had to come on
along and wreak absolute havoc on our peaceful Mars colony. I HOPE
YOU ALL DIE MISERABLE, PAINFUL DEATHS WITH SALT POURED ON
YOUR GAPING WOUNDS!!!!!

IMP: See now you've gotten sarg all upset. He's not going to be right
for the rest of the afternoon. See what you guys have done? You've
caused quite a stir up here. Well let me get to the heart of this
message. You see so far you folks have been the aggressors and we
have been sitting here like sheep just waiting to be picked off. You
don't think we're going to let this go on forever do you? I'm just
going to say what I'm hinting at- WE'RE COMING AFTER YOU
BASTARDS!!!! Got that. Don't think you can just sit there in your
ivory tower and launch invasion after invasion on our colony and
expect us to take it sitting down. Earth is open to invasion too you
know. This is a two way street. What comes around goes around. Do
as I say not as I do.... wait a minute that was the wrong cliche, at
any rate be forewarned. We are planning an invasion of your feeble
little planet. We've decided that we've had enough. It's our turn to be
the aggressors and your turn to be the victims. Sort of like Clarence
Thomas and Anita Hill. Or that dame and Bill Clinton - WE ARE GOING
TO HARASS THE HELL OUT OF YOU!!. Consider yourselves warned.

(pause)

BOOMING VOICE: I liked his tone. Did anybody else like his tone?

EVERYBODY ELSE: Yes!

BOOMING VOICE: Who's next?

PINK GORILLA: Did you guys know that if I wanted to I could bite
your entire face off in just one bite? Take a look at my jaws
sometime. They're fraggin' HUGE. I've just been restraining myself up
to this point. From now on it's no holds barred. When we come to
earth I'm taking one face per bite. Got that? One bite equals one face.
I'll be seein' you soon.

BOOMING VOICE: I like that. Short and to the point. I've always liked
Pinky. He speaks my language- succinct and threatening. That's good.

SPECTRE: Spectre here. Look folks, you brought all of this on
yourselves. What did you expect? Now as for my invisibility
algorithm. Up to this point it's been fairly successful. It works real
good in the dark. But I know you guys can still see me. I've looked at
some of the other guys and I can always see this outline, this kind of
shimmering form, you know what I'm talking about. Well not much
longer you won't because we've been working on the algorithm and
we've made some marked improvements. By the time this ones
finished you jerks aren't going to be able to see JACK. Keep that
in mind when you tuck in your children tonight. We're coming for
you. Sleep tight.

FLAMING HEAD: Am I supposed to talk now? Is it my turn?

BOOMING VOICE: Do you see anybody else at the microphone
RETARD!!

FLAMING HEAD: Oh right, it's Cacodemon's turn.

BOOMING VOICE: He's in the bathroom right now you [fraggin'] dolt.
Speak now or be ERADICATED. (mechanical sounds can be heard)

FLAMING HEAD: Right, sure, OK, well. Say earthlings did you know
that all I've been trying to do this whole time is light one of you guys
on fire. That's my big goal. I just want to crash into one of you guys
and just see you light up like a Christmas tree. Sure I'll bite you and
stuff but that's usually because I'm frustrated. What I really want to
see is one of you fella's ON FIRE. Then you could run around and
bump into your buddies and light them on fire too. Then you'd all be
on FIRE. Pretty soon there'd be fire everywhere. FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE.

VOICE ON THE SIDE: Uh oh. He's getting on one of those fire kicks
again.

FLAMING HEAD: FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE

In the background mechanical sounds can be heard. Mechanisms and
gears and engines firing up. Suddenly a rocket can be heard
approaching followed by a LOUD explosion.

Several moments of silence.

VOICE 1: Are we back up again?
VOICE 2: Yeah we're on again. Good thing I brought several
microphones I knew this was going to happen.

BOOMING VOICE: Let that be a lesson to all of you. Lose your cool on
the stand and I'm going to blast you and the [fraggin'] podium to Earth.
Who's next?

BARON: Yeah that would be me.

BOOMING VOICE: Go ahead.

CACODEMON: I think I was supposed to go next.

BARON: Oh right. It's your turn.

CACODEMON: No offense.

BARON: None taken.

CACODEMON: Great, just let me squeeze in there.

BARON: You need to lose some weight.

CACODEMON: I know I've been working on that but it's a problem
I've had all my life.

Mechanical sounds can be heard in the background.

CACODEMON: Howdy everyone. You heard the Baron mention my
weight well I've been thinking. Rather than trying to lose the weight
maybe I should put it to my advantage. I've been thinking about
transforming myself into a Flaming Bowling Ball from Hell. What do
you all think?

a lot of mumbling and discussion in the background.

VOICE: What would happen when you hit a pool of acid?

CACODEMON: I don't know I guess I could dissolve or something.

BARON: You want the truth, what I really think?

CACO: Sure.

BARON: Sorry but I think it bites.

CACO: Ok well I don't have to become a bowling ball, but I could
throw my weight around a little more. Instead of just shooting
pretty, sparkly, purple balls at people I could corner them in tight
situations and just smash the crap out of them.

(pause)

BARON: That's not at all a bad idea. I like that. Do you think it would
get the kill ratio down from the current 50 to 1?

CACO: Absolutely.

BARON: I say do it. What do the rest of you think?

VOICES: Yes, good, do it, sounds good to me.

BOOMING VOICE: OK it's done. Start throwing that weight around
fatty. We're going to need all the help we can get. Baron you're on.

BARON: Well what can I say that hasn't already been said. How about
if I just say what's on my mind. You suckers are dead. You're minced
meat. You're toast. You're going to wish you were never born. You
haven't felt pain yet. You don't know the meaning of pain. You're
going to see that kill ratio drop from 50 to 1 in your favor to 50 to 1
in our favor. As far as personal modifications go, I'll be shooting
flames out of my hands, like I do now, as well as out of my feet, my
eyes, my ears, my mouth, my knees and for those who sneak up
behind me I've got a special surprise for you. Let's just say I'm going
to be a lot tougher. See you at your favorite city or coming soon to a
neighborhood near you.

BOOMING VOICE: OK, it's your turn.

SPIDER DEMON: Well I have to admit Baron is looking a lot tougher
these days. In fact I think he's started to muscle in on my turf. I
don't know, I don't feel at all comfortable with this development.....

Large crashing sounds.

BOOMING VOICE: Out of the way milktoast. This is CYBERDEMON here
and I'm going to make it real plain and simple. We're coming to your
planet. We're coming for revenge and we're coming to eradicate you
pathetic little wimps. We're coming for the pure fun of blowing you
all limb from scrawny little limb. We'll be there soon, (aside) what
would you say two weeks?

BARON: Yeah about two weeks.

CYBERDEMON: Two weeks and you won't be able to stop us. Consider
yourselves forewarned. This is going to be the mother of all battles.
It's going to be the end of life as you know it. It's going to be the end
of human civilization. In short it's going to be HELL ON EARTH. This
game is not over man.

(stunned silence)
(after several moments)

VOICE: OK that's it, kill the link.

Some clanking around can be heard which is followed by pure static.

[SoKatH]

damn right! this is where its at! I used to have it but for some reason the old file got corrupted, I remember going to my neighbours house and using their internet connection to find the FAQ.. heheheh

S./