A Small Orientation?

[Voros]

The following is an attempt to write an orientation with a few twists to liven things up (like the "10:30 AM" orientation from the SCP Foundation). Enjoy!

Welcome, everyone. Please sit down in your designated seats. I hope you are all prepared for this. OK, let's begin.

I am... Wait, I'm not allowed to say that. My codename is "Doomguy" and-

PUT YOUR FUCKIN' HAND DOWN! QUESTIONS AFTER THE ORIENTATION!

And I will be your commander. You will listen to me or I will send you to the nearest asylum for insubordination, got that? Good.

You are all the new recruits of our new Mobile Task Force "MTF-Theta 93", or "Marines". Your task: Kill. All. Demons.

Questions?

You. Black guy... Why am I "Doomguy"? In 2312, Phobos and Deimos had been invaded by Hellspawn. Yes, HELLSPAWN. My team went in first, because SOMEBODY forgot to order some fucking extra guns. Hours later, my radio went dead with static coming from one of my teammate's radio. Then I went in, with a pistol and 50 bullets... Then I killed them all, their leaders and their king. It was a pain in the ass... Don't believe me? Check it youself.

You, blondie... What do I mean by "demons"? I mean DEMONS! It's not that hard! Hellspawn, Eldritch Horrors, Satanic Army, Creepypasta, whatever the fuck you can think of... One second, I'll show you a "demon".
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Whoa! Calm your asses down! It is my trophy, which is dead. See the horns? Never mess with these demons in melee, unless you got a chainsaw. And the face, see how ugly it is? Trust me when I say this. This demon is beautiful compared to the others. These teeth, not to be messed with. You think I got this scar from a bear attack? HAH!

Yes, the freckled one... What do I mean by chainsaw? I mean CHAINSAW! Those aren't just for cutting trees! You will use one of them one day on a demon. But it is risky. So what, risk is your fucking life now!

That guy in the back... What weapons? Finally, a not-so-dumb question. First is your trusty pistol, giving you one last chance to fight. But your main weapon will be an ordinary shotgun. MTF-Theta 93 does NOT have the time to aim, but to point in the right direction. Than the handheld-chaingun, a special weapon meant to pack the power of a minigun, with the accuracy of an assault rifle. Best to mow down demons with. Then the handheld-rocket launcher, no aiming, just point. Explosive power to turn the demons into blood and guts. And finally, the plasma rifle. An energy based rifle meant to vomit energy at a speed of a minigun. There are more weapons available, but they are either unofficial or secret, secret my ass.

The man with the goatee... How does this relate to the SCP Foundation? Demons are NOT normal. They are memetic or something. And those pussies can't figure out how to contain Hell, and after my successful victory, against Hell, more than 2 fucking BATTALIONS of demons couldn't stop me, they thought we should keep Hell at bay.

You, with the cap... What armor? State-of-the-art.

Yeah, you... Does the Blast Field Gun exist? Yes. But we call it the Big Fuckin' Gun. And it is a secret project. But it sure packs a big punch up those demon asses!

You... Have I ever been to Hell? How do you think I won? Do you know the Trojan Horse trick? I was the fucking horse, and I didn't fucking ask nicely to open the gates!

OK, the guy with caveman brows... The unofficial weapons? I don't want to talk about them, but I'll tell you one. The Super Shotgun. That's all I will say.

OK, anymore?... Good.

Meet me at the armory on Floor 6 in 10 minutes.

Your first mission is to aid me in the raiding of the Physics Section on that floor. They've been doing the same god forsaken experiments, even with the incident on Phobos and Deimos. Yes, attacking our own research center. But for a good cause. Why?

Because those bastards didn't listen