The /newstuff Chronicles #95

Hey! It's Sunday! /newstuff on Sunday! Break out your preferred party apparel, consume a ton of your preferred harmful substance, and generally go wild in your preferred method because I'm not off schedule and btw if you were up at 12:01 AM wondering where this update was you aren't invited. Also, because this was popular last time; is your /newstuff measuring up at a pathetic 4 single-map wads long? Order /newstuff enlargement pills! After use a gnome bursts out of your chest and beats crucial parts of Liam's computer into dust so he has to sit around idly while the wads build up.

• Dueling Keeps by Pascal 'Gherkin' vd Heiden - - This week's opening act is a Legacy-based DM map running on Doom 2 Map01. Skimming duelkeep.txt informs me that the map was inspired by a Quake 3: Arena map... yes, I'm getting at the fact that the International Army of Faget Campars managed to hijack Gherkin's brainstem temporarily during the design of this map. Basically there's a 'blue base' and a 'red base', and a little outdoor area between them. Behind the entrance to each base there's a left-right fork, both paths of which lead to the same blue or red rooms which I assume would be flag capture zones if the most logical path to making the map was taken and it was designed as a Skulltag CTF map instead of a Legacy DM map. In each nonexistant-flag capture zone is a teleport to the other nonexistant-flag capture zone. So yes, during one-on-one games (which judging from the title is the focus gameplay type of the map) the chance of 'TEE-HEE COME THROUGH THE TELEPORT AND CATCH ME' is painfully high. There's also no real reason that I could see for this map not to be Doom2.exe compatible, the extent of Legacy's use in this map is colored lighting/fog and jump pads. There's a couple of 3dfloors but they don't add anything to the look or gameplay. Bottom line: Legacy DMers have quite a large selection of better arenas to pick from. You know it requires Doom Legacy.
• Alien Invasion by Ismaele - - This generic silver tech-base map takes the stage and faces an unenthusiastic crowd. Map15 of Doom 2 is put aside for architecture that's possibly even squarer and linear gameplay to rival something really linear. I understand that Doomers live by 'flip the switch, find the key', but Alien Invasion manages to be repetetive and boring nontheless. I really wouldn't recommend downloading this unless... oh yeah, I forgot about 'The RG Three'. 'The RG Three' are three excruciatingly retarded gameplay flaws that I guess were very very poorly executed attempts at trying to spice up the 1000 SHAWN/SILVER hallways that make up this base. I call them 'The RG Three', not because I'm an E-dick or anything, but because it rhymes. Flaw no. 1: tiny alcoves that house a rather trivial item such as a handful of shells and crush you to your death instantly when you try to pick it up. There is no warning nor indication of a crusher protecting those precious four shells. Flaw no. 2: a teleporter 'guessing game' some time after you pick up all the keys. In order to make it to the last area of the map, you must guess which out of five teleporters lead you there and enter. The punishment for guessing wrong? Being sent to some place in the map you've already been to traverse empty hallways back to the teleporters. Flaw no. 3: the worst exit room ever. Yet another guessing game forces you to press one out of many computer textures in order to lower the exit switch. Guess wrong? You'll be surrounded by a horde of monsters, amongst them a single archvile. Review no. 2: don't bother.
• Alien 2 - The Revenge by Ismaele - - I started this map up hoping for revenge against Ismaele for playing 'pick a hand' with me in his previous masterpiece, but unfortunately that is not what this sequel had to offer. Supposedly this map takes you on an adventure to the planet on which lives the alien species that invaded the 90-degree architecture base in Alien Invasion. Of course only one room of this map looks like an alien planet. My guess is that the author couldn't go two sectors without being drawn back into the spell of underdetailed sharp corners. Basically I'm catching the same gameplay vibe as I did with the first alien: hallways, switches, and backtracking. Most of the map is a brown/black METAL theme but the last few parts look exactly like the aformented SHAWN base in, yes, the previous alien. What's good is that 'The RG Three' has been downgraded to 'The RG One' as the only pimple of concentrated anti-fun that made it out of alien.wad and into alien2.wad is a crusher-alcove in one or two places. Wait, 'The RG One' doesn't rhyme. Damn you Ismael!
• xfire6 by Lee Szymanski - - A new installment in the xfire series makes the sun come up for this week's update (and it has a little cute baby's face in it too). Weathermen predict the sun will shine brightest on Doom 2 Map04. xfire6 shares the same STAR*/BROWN texturing scheme as its predecessors but sports what I think is the best architecture and lighting of the series. Fragging on this map, the participants will find themselves running up stairs, down stairs, and off ledges to reach the same elevation as their target. Weapons, ammo, and items are doled out liberally but also very fairly... as with previous xfire wads, this map is perfectly balanced. It looks like it would best hold 3-4 players but the action isn't too slow in one-on-one at all. So, DMers, take my advice: fire up a Doom server for you and your friends, don't forget the -file xfire6.wad, and let the cute baby-face sun shine its glorious rays of connective layout and balanced gameplay upon your putrid, naked bodies.