Scuba Steve

Welcome back to another fabulous rendition of your favorite weekly chronicle, The /Newstuff Chronicle! Yay! I, your favorite underwater breathing apparatus, will be your guide this week to what's new in Doom worth playing. I know what you're thinking, "But Scuba, Action Doom was already released. What else could possibly be delivered to us that we would want to play?" The Answer is simply, nothing, but that still shouldn't stop people from uploading some rather good levels to play... and alot of 1994 ones that are not. If I may lament (lol) for a moment, these 1994 wads have me thinking. It's amazing this community survived as long as it did considering what all these old maps are like. How we put up with them as long as we did to make it to today is a testament to the strength of each and every member here, except for InsertWackyNameHere and Bloodskull because they are too young. So remember... on the Scuba Scale of DooM... Five flippers being the highest, a blowfish being the lowest... 1994stuff Zone 13 - Zen Psychosis doom.exe - SP/DM - 32kb - The author of this pwad in no way endorses the democratic party or formalized Government in general. For more information on how you can become the leader of your own armed underground resistance group send $12.00 U.S. to: Sorry to say I have not sent my $12 yet to become my own armed resistance leader, but for the rest of you it's available in the text file. Zone 13 is the first of the 1994stuff and it's just your basic 1994 level. It's a deathmatch level where monsters were added so you can play it single player too. There's a secret exit, but I really couldn't be bothered to find out how to quit. Speaking of searching, the map replaces Episode 1 Map 3 so you'll have to look around for that too. What can I say, this level probably wasn't terrrible when it came out in 1994 but it's bretty blahzay today. Two snorkels P.S. For your very own army of Scuba Divers, send $12.00 US to: Welcome to My Nightmare - Ken Flynn doom2.exe - Solo Play - 392kb - Your nightmare is my nightmare too. Shhhhit! B-b-b-lowfish DeathMatch For Two Series - Kurt Schulenburg doom.exe - Deathmatch - 209kb - I'm at a loss. Here we have 8 levels for doom from 1994 that are... tolerable. These maps are a step above SLIGE, which for 1994 was a work of art. It's safe to say nobody ever played these maps in deathmatch besides Kurt and his friends sitting around their basement on prom night, which is cool because I did too except I was more of a Funyuns guy. Anyways... Two Flipper. Death Match City - Sam Lopresti doom2.exe - Deathmatch - 36kb - It happened, somebody made a city worse than Sandy Petersen. Forget this crap, go play another City map from the same year which is much better, Doom City. One Snorkel Tunnel 11 - Günther H. Baumann doom.exe - Solo Play - 23kb - From the Text File: Created during a night in Berlin with friends Yep. Also, 64 wide mazes are awesome and a staple of a great map! One Snorkel DMKurt - Kurt Schulenburg doom.exe - Solo Play - 126kb - Contained in this zip file of cruddy old 1994 maps... is FOUR zip files of cruddy old 1994 map! I couldn't be bothered to open zip files in zip files, but I think I can take a wild guess based on the author's previous work... Four Blowfish! A New Record! Trench - Scott Scurlock doom.exe - Deathmatch - 26kb - It's um... it'a trench... that runs between the 2 sides of the level. Also, I think this level was made with SLIGE, I saw a giant S in there somewhere. One Flipper Doomsday - Carter doom.exe - Deathmatch - 38kb - Surprisingly not as crappy as some, but don't let that fool you, this still isn't worth downloading. I mean you can if you want, it's not "smash your head on the table" bad, but you won't be pleased. One Flipper Doors - Phillip S. Pittz doom.exe - SP/DM - 46kb - From The Text File: Misc. Author Info : 29 - Single White Male Phillip S. Pittz update: 40 - Single White Male The name of this wad is NOT hyperbole, there are no less than 80 doors in this map. One room, a circle, has SEVENTEEN doors on each side (not really a circle then I suppose). He says in the text file "I learned how to make doors finally and so decided to go a little crazy with it." Gee that's a bit of an understatement. But still I feel bad about the whole, 40 and a virgin thing. One Goggle Jeff's Wad - Jeff Dusko doom.exe - Solo Play - 20kb - Awesome! Clearly Doomjr inspired architecture! Blowfish Dough (Who names a wad "Dough", seriously - Scuba) - Doug Haynes doom.exe - Solo Play - 13kb - Comparative to the last one, this is freaking Alien Vendetta. But copared to Alien Vendetta, gag. Also, I hate Alien Vendetta. One Goggle Jericho - Kurt Schulenburg doom.exe - Solo Play - 303kb - Let me be frank, or Steve, but this map isn't that good. Props to the author for compsing his own song, but let's be honest, who cares if the level bites. Inside the wad resources is the classic 1994 nudie woman texture, I scoured the level left and right for this, but never found it or the other 4 or 5 custom textures. But thankfully the author felt inclined to replace the teleport sound with the star trek one! One Snorkel "Boring" - James Jarvis doom.exe - Solo Play - 47kb - The author didn't give this wad a title and explicitly stated in the text file "What ever you want to call it" so I have chosen an apt name for it. To be honest, for 1994 it's tolerable. Tolerable enough to waste 13 seconds downloading it? No, but tolerable enough to be spared the rating wrath of Scuba that so many 1994 wads don't. One Flipper. Meat - Carolyn Schulenburg doom.exe - Solo Play - 42kb - Wall hunt Wall hunt!!! Just another boring old map, this one specializes in pressing spacebar on every wall to find out what to do! Oddly enough, the level is filled with mis alignments but the unaligned textures aren't the one that do anything. That's the beatuy of this map! You have to scour it looking for aligned textures to press on! One Snorkel Sematic - Insane LTD. doom.exe - Solo Play - 144kb - If you play one old wad this week (and I hope you don't play any) play Sematic. From 1996 you can clearly see that the author didn't just make lava holes or skies on floors. It actually sort of resembles a map. Two Flippers and a Goggle Tunnel - Tim Cuozzo doom.exe - Solo Play - 28kb - 4 voodoo dolls watch you at the beginning enter a boring and lame maze. Note: Will not work with Legacy. One Snorkel Up 'n Down - Kurt Schulenburg doom2.exe - Solo Play - 123kb - A Giant elevator that goes up and down with a stupid staircase on one side. I can't even think of anything wittyto say. One Goggle On Friday, the last day of reviews for me this week, someone dumped Seventeen worthless wads from 1994 that nobody ever played back then or will ever play now. What next, is someone going to upload the entire DZone CD in the name of "Preservation"? Some things don't need to be preserved, if the New York museum of modern art is burning down, do you save Paintings by Jackson Pollock? Answer, no you let the building burn because modern art sucks, and so do all the wads from 1994-1996. Anything worth playing is in the archive already, like Heroes that was added last week or Hoover Dam, so to hoever keeps uploading all these abominations, tonight before I go to bed I'm going to pray for your death. Painful and slow, because I hate you, and I'm Scuba Steve and I don't hate anyone. Besides Ralphis. Now you might say "But Steve you don't have to review them", well, screw you :P I'm doing it just because I can. So let's see what Santa brought us in this delivery? My guess, a whole lot of coal. Also, by this point, I had to invent a new rating system to cover wads like this, see if you can decipher it. Cave Complex - Dominic Anello doom.exe - Solo Play - 30kb - The screenshot is all the farther I ever got. Crappie May Day - Joe Vallee doom.exe - Deathmatch - 33kb - Shawn 2 and Crates yay! Crappie Nirvanna - Ian C Hay doom.exe - Solo Play - 45kb - Crappie I haven't played this yet, but I decided to review it first... wow, just played it and I managed to break the level. I activated a crushing ceiling and then stepped back and it stopped too low so I couldn't continue. The level might be worthy of at least one flipper but I'll never know because I can't play any farther. So my review stands. I am psychic! Pearl Jam - Ian C Hay doom.exe - Solo Play - 58kb - Surprisingly... this level is... palatable. It looks... decent and plays... well who cares, I typed "Kill Monsters". One Flipper and a Goggle Private Hell - Matrix (Flagg) doom.exe - Solo Play - 24kb - Crappie Private Hell, Part III - Matrix (Flagg) doom.exe - Solo Play - 32kb - Awww, what no Private Hell Part II? A for improvement, F for Effort. One Snorkel Clean Your Room - Mark Marusak doom.exe - Solo Play - 9kb - From the Text File: "Designed for my son, his room is a mess. I experimented with multipaste and boobytraps.. hope you enjoy." Crappie This ______ - Mark Marusak doom.exe - Solo Play - 10kb - Never played, See Screenshot. Crappie Gloom of DOOM - Psyber Freaked! & Psyber Cured! doom.exe - Solo Play - 24kb - Have you seeeeeeeeen... the marvelous blowfish? Blowfish Matrix Match - Matrix (Flagg) doom.exe - Deathmatch - 11kb - Lol Blowfish Maze - Talon doom2.exe - Deathmatch - 130kb - Meh, it won't kill you... Snorkel and Goggles My House - Dominic Anello doom.exe - Solo Play - 508kb - I cannot for the LIFE of me... figure out why this level is 500k. I was expecting a loltastic 1994 house with digitized crappy graphics and bad sounds recorded by the author, but no. I was not treated to any of that! Also, checkout the hilarious irony of screenshot #2. Crappie Bonus - Dominic Anello doom.exe - Solo Play - 4kb - Not even worth my time to press Print Screen. Crappie Pumpkin..A Holloween Tale - Mark Marusak doom.exe - Solo Play - 11kb - I was going to be lenient and just give it a "crappie" review... but the lack of anything to do with Punpkins OR Halloween garners it the lowest score available. Blowfish I'm... I'm sorry I have to take a break here for a second. I feel that I must apologize for this weeks newstuff as I am a firm believer in the statement "The Buck Stops Here". This week is basically nothing more than a couple decent levels in the REAL Newstuff and over thirty just awful maps that were even awful when they were released over 10 years ago. I have said it numerous times already, and I will later in newstuff reviews, but these 1994 wads are garbage and whoever is uploading them should die from some form of cancer soon. That might be a bit harsh, but I believe this is the only chance to stop this flow of garbage, because obviously the uploader has never heard of Quality Control. Uploading 1994 maps is one thing, but these maps are shit now, and most of them were even shit when they were made 10 years ago. In the name of all that is holy, I am going to throw your DZone CD or wherever you keep pulling these abominations from, in the trash. I now return you to your regularly scheduled newstuff already in progress. Sorrow - Harris CGI doom.exe - Solo Play - 60kb - I think these screenshots speak for themselves to the greatness that is this map. Crappie SLTRRAMA - Ezuriah, also known as Don Bates Ahh hell... SLTRRAMA Smega! SLTRFEST Slugfest Rescue1 Manic Showdown Killing Grounds Crappie, Crappie CRAPPIE CRAPPIE!!! And that my fellow Doomers concludes the painful agony that was 1994Stuff... at this point in time, pounding my head on the table feels like a fun activity. Now... let's see if there's anything of value in the REAL newstuff... (There isn't). Newstuff Team UnNamed's 2nd official weapon pack: Crimson Delights - Chronoteeth EDGE - Solo Play - 734kb - Taking Semicolons and ridiculously long titles to a new level, Chronoteeth delivers one of those mods where people replace nothing but the guns... so naturally... So I learned I needed a new version of EDGE, apparently it's up to 1.29, so I downloaded that and ran the wad. One word, meh. 47 words, it was just your run of the mill EDGE weapons modification. There is the usual lack of creativity by ripping pre existing graphics and attributing wonky firing modes to them, and the unbalanced superguns that rip through everything in seconds. Worth a play and that's about it. Goggle and a Snorkel Also, no screenshots because I don't know how to take them in EDGE. Foxxy - Cutmanmike Skulltag - Deathmatch - 1297kb - Ahhhh!! ...from the text file: A skin of my bestest friend ever, Foxxy. Her mother past away when she was 10 and I feel for her, so I made her a very own skin :D And she's still your friend? This is the kind of work that brings nations to the brink of war, let alone destroy a friendship. Either that or a missed the sarcasm, which is highly possible since I'm quite oblivious to that many times. Did I ever tell any of you about when my father asked me to mow the lawn and I replied "Are you serious?" He said "No", so I naturally assumed he didn't want me to do it. Hoo boy was I ever wrong, apparently he was being sarcastic and really did want me to Mow it. And that's the lawnmower story. OK not the lawnmower story, but it's a lawnmower story. Where was I going with this? Something about the Lawnmower Man the Movie? Either way, the author and the Lawnmower man have mental problems that can only be saved through Cyberspace. Blowfish Skulltag Community LMS Project - Various Skulltag - Deathmatch - 1920kb - As of this writing (Wednesday), this is the treat of the week. Seven count them, 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7 brand new Skulltag last mand standing maps, all of which are of a high caliber. My suggestion? If FNF is still alive, I think we have the winner for this week. Map 3, 4, and 7 are all particularly fun especially 7 if you just dropped a tab of acid. Deffinately one you'll want to check out, and because it's skulltag, that means it's better than ZDaemon. Four Flippers Axis & Abaddon - WildWeasel ZDoom - Solo Play - 1955kb - For the first time ever a Weapons mod is a beacon of hope after all of those 1994 wads. Actually, it's pretty fun and manages to keep a consistent theme throughout unlike most that just have ridiculous weapons that have no cohesiveness. The theme you ask? Nazis! All the weapons you've probably seen before, Rise of the Triad, I think some Return to Castle Wolfenstein stuff, and plenty of monster replacements as well. The Super Shotgun and New Fist are both very well done and by themselves alone worth checking out this wad... because I drew them. Two Flippers and a Goggle Dusk Storm - Michael "Bloodskull" Cole Limit Removing - Solo Play - 176kb - From the Text File: People need to stop bashing others for who they are, and start actually trying things before forming there own opinion because of the author. If you dont even have the decency to do this you need some serious help. o_q powerful. Anyways, this map is a decent map for 2005, and a godsend after all those 94 wads. I kept finding mtself having no idea what was going on, so I eventually just gave myself all keys and kill monsters because I hate dying. The level looks good, which is all that really matters, and it probably plays well too, but I don't really care. I'm hesitant, but I'm adding an extra snorkel to the review. Two flippers, a goggle and a snorkel. 3D Elevator - Cecelia (You're breakin my Heart!) Legacy - Solo Play - 68kb - (Un)Fortunately... Legacy doesn't run on my computer, so you'll have to wait for a real review... or review it yourself! Without giving away my secret of scoring wads, you too can use any combination of the points you see given to wads here today to create your own review! Don't forget to take off points because it's not Zdoom. Ha Ha just kidding Eternity4ever! Gravecat's Rocket Arena v1.1 - The Indomitable Gravecat Limit Removing - Deathmatch - 21kb - Haha for the longest time I thought this was a 1994 upload. It's a rocket arena DM map, that looks like it belongs in the above reviews. I award this two goggles, and may god have mercy on its soul. Predator skin - NeoWorm Skulltag - Deathmatch - 79kb - This is actually a real treat. This is a homemade Predator Skin touched up that looks absolutely fantastic. The sounds are decent, but the beatiful art is where it shines. Three Flippers, Two Goggles and a Snorkel. Well, it's been a long and dull week. I can sum it up best by saying the highlight of the week was a map by Bloodskull. I quit. I'm leaving and never coming back. Anyways so long my Doom compadres I am now going to pound nails into my eyes. Before I do that let me say to whomever continues uploading old wads from 1994... you are a worthless human being an a poster child for abortion. If I had names and addresses I would personally drive to your house, set fire to your computer, and just generally mess up the place. I hate you and no amount of words I write can express the degree to which I do.