Sephiroth

personaly i was never into dating. i did a few times but nothing ever really came of it.
i did have girls i had crushes on. one of them for the longest time. however i never acted on it. recent girls just didn't have any appeal to them.

however that all changed last week. I had been trying an internet dateing site. i figured it was worth a shot. little did i know i would meet a really nice girl.

now i know its far too early to say she is the love of my life, but i really feel something with her. I love being around her, talking to her, feeling her embrace, her smile, her eyes. its as if i have known her for a very long time. she says she feels the same towards me.

it all happened so fast, however it feels good. i feel good about her and i feel as if i can trust her. something that has always been difficult for me to do. however my gut instinct is usally right.

its proof to me that there are still good people out there. it makes me feel so much better about my self. i am really begining to get to know her, but like i said it feels as if i have known her for years.

...because i blew up the pourch steps.

being bored and spending time with a stoned friend is not a good idea. we have had our fair share of misadventures. this one included a hammer, a cement pourch step and a strip of explosive charges for a nail gun.

well we decide to set off some of these charges. they are basicly blanks. they are even bullet shaped. to set them off you have to hit them from behind. so we searched for something to hold them. the pourch use to have a wood border around it and there were still holes from the screws. we stuck a shell in there and slammed it. it didnt work, it just pushed it into the hole. so i gave up and went to remove it. however my friend wasn't about to give up. however before he could swing his phone rang. so he was talking on the phone when he took his mighty swing.
BAM! the thing went off and blew a large section of cement right off the step and into his face.
I fell down because i was laughting so hard. the person on the phone didn't hear the explosion surprisingly.

today we are fixing the step.

however at least we can fix it, this isnt like the time another of his friends cut down a tree.

never done it until this weekend.

basicly it is taking a laptop, or PDA and listening for wireless networks.

i did this going up and coming back from my grandparents home. too bad i dont have a gps.

things i learned
about 75% of these networks were not encrypted.
channels 6 and 11 are the most popular.
83% of them used default SSID's
netgear was the most popular, fallowed by linksys, cisco and PCX500. D-link and microsoft were rare.
the most popular speed was 11mbps and 22mbps. very few 54g and no detected 108g connections.
one guy had his address as the SSID
one guy must really like M.C. Hammer. with the SSID of "hammertime"

i don't know why i am friends with this guy. even if i have known him sence he was a child. basicly he is one of those really arrogant people who thinks rules don't apply to him or family. He has always had a horrible anger and temper problem. this guy once pulled an unloaded shotgun on a kid for turning off the N64, and he is not a gamer! He punched me for turning off the heat in his car once. Once he about beat one of his cousins, a 5 year old, for accidentaly hiting him in the nuts.
now toss in wreckless drug addiction and more stupidity and you got your self a very dangerous person.
he states he would never hit a woman or family. however its far closer than he thinks. I have seen him get extreamly pissed at things that should not bother someone. He has the mentality of a wife beater or child beater. I have seen that too much in my life. so i know it rather well.
he says drugs never affected him, but i watched as he became more violent and uncontrolable. He once tried to fight a guy with a gun at a part infront of his girlfriend. he eventually got 3 DUI's, the 3rd nearing killing him. he was also 19 at the time.
luck was on his side, he is very much alive. and really got off with another slap on the wrist. if it were up to me he would never see a car for the rest of his life. His girl stayed with him, and i helped him. why i don't know, i should have left him for dead and she should have found another man. but i guess that is the human side of us, or we are just dumb.

He now says that he will never drink or do drugs agian. however i know from my life that he will most likly start up agian. After all he still keeps the same drug addict friends. he still fails to see that what he did is serious and gets pissed if the police question him. as i said he got off really easy, no fines or jail time. license is only suspended due to medical reasons.

An example of his mental state would be as fallows.
he doesn't like it when people smoke in his house, yet he does the dip. i would rather see him smoke. Atleast i don't have to see his cancer or that nasty vomit inducing spit. his poor girl-firend, she doesn't know.
he thinks blacks and other races are the cause of the world's issues. desptie the fact he use to hate such idea and the fact of his own family roots. the guy has japanese releatives.
he is one with that "i am always right attitude" i will prove him wrong to put him in his place or to stir up the hive. one time he claimed the college he was looking into was $15,000. i told him it would be more like $60,000. he was pissed and tried to say i didn't know what i was talking about. so i took him to my dad, who went to this college, who showed him the modern cost. he shut up about it.


if he contiunes this way he will fallow in his brother's foot steps and have 3 divorces by the time he is 30. i have talked to his soon to be wife about getting him into anger managment. However i don't think she takes me seriously. however if she doesn't heed my warning.... well we all know what will happen there. and this time i will not help.

well a woman wants me to call her to see how her computer is doing. she leaves a number. so i dial that number to get "you must dial a 1 or a 0 before dialing this number" the i try both, well i get "dial the area code" message. I assume her area code is 937 because she lives like a mile from here. i dial the full number to get "this number has been disconnected" on my caller id it just shows the 7 digit number. so the is bassicly no way to contact her. So maybe next time she will give me the full fucking number.... or pay her damn bills.

well tried all local area codes and none worked, so fuck her. she should have had the common sence to tell me the correct phone number.

anyone know any trick to find out the area code

well traded in those nice new shinny games i had for some older games. mainly mario64 and silent hill.

i was surprised about silent hill and how shitty it really looks. well it looks average compared to other PSX games at the time. however i did not buy the game for the graphics, i bought it to experince the first game at last.

the N64, which i had to buy, ran at $19. it came with controller, memmory card, power supply, av cable and this one had the upgraded RAM. mario cost me $8. was kinda pisse dbecause i bought a N64 off a friend but it had no power adapter. from sites i was looking at it ran around $15-$25 for the thing.

games i dusted for this new stuff, or rather towards the price.
marrowwind, full spectrum warrior, and max payne 2. 3 games i never played much.

well it doesn't happen much, ok that's a god damn lie. someone gets rid of a perfectly good computer because its "slow". well no shit its gonna be slow when you have a shit load of spyware and 3 viruses on 128MB ram. also add in the fact they had just about everything you could think of running in the back ground.
the computer was made in 2001, so still kinda new.

its an HP vectra workstation. PIII 733Mhz, 128MB ram, 10GB hard drive (SCSI), 16X CD drive (SCSI). so removed the hard drive and replaced it with a 40GB IDE, updated the ram, and installed a fresh OS. runs exelent. so now i am gonna sell it. i love dumb people.

Well took a bit of a break before christmas. So i went up to see my grand parents who i will not see agian for a while, next summer.

This place is really wierd. They claim the house is haunted. IF you know more about the area then you can kinda see why.

The area was home to native american tribes. It's rare, but sometime bones are found when homes are built. A walk in the field behind this house can turn up handfuls of arrow heads and other objects. The road outside of the home is a death trap, literaly. numerous deaths have occured infront of this house or land surrounding the house. Mainly due to people being drunk or stupid. Infact a rather creepy message has been scrawed onto a telephone pole in front of the house.

Needless to say this is NOT a house to stay up and play silent hill 2. I did that the other night, and it really freaked me out. mainly cause my grandfather walke dinto the room very quitly and a saw something moving in the window, his reflection/shadow.

things that are wierd here.
foot steps, often from the basement or attic.
voices, but very rare. usally heard by children. once heard by adults during christmas.
moving objects, common. fucking ghost took my damn X-box controller! maybe it just wants to challenge me to a game of halo? no, shit just moves around. pictures have "flown" across the room. and in one case a toy riendeer was unpacked and turned on in the basement.
electornic devices behave oddly. batteris die early or devices randomly come on and shut off. so far computers not affected. However the area does have odd geological activity and there are 3 large radio/TV stations near by. those may also explain "voices"

Its creepy here, but peaceful. Nothing bad has ever happened to a family member here. Only to the careless drivers and drunks outside of the home.

well how about winter cleaning. this involves my attic, my closet and under my bed.

most of this shit has not seen light for a decade or more. so here it goes.

my attic.
besides clothes and allergies.
1 box of new unused old school computer paper.
a box of coffe cans
an antenna i made when i was 5, cant remember if it was for a radio or TV.
1 old color TV, i mean old. has vacume tubes.
2 old radios, both have vacume tubes. 1 works
more coffe cans
a microphone? looks like it came off a CB or PA system. the end is cut off.
a japanese rifle wrapped in cloth, looks great. one of many WW II things out of here.
several german WW II helmets, 2 American helmets. A japanese and american bannette. and some sort of japanese knife, its big.
a nazi egal thing, egal on a swastika
panzerfuast tube, score!
random caseings, used
various gun parts in poor condition. i think some of these belong to an AK-47.
empty ammo cases, well filled with dust.
old records.
and a box filled with my dad's old porn stash. shit looks like its from the 70's.

now the closet
a box filled with 6 CB radios. Use to get these from an uncle and would use them to play soldier when i was a child. I dont know if they work
a old mac computer
over 10 walky-talkies, loved those as a kid. however would get bored and usally break them, i think i enjoyed breaking them.
a cell phone? looks newish, have no idea whoes it is.
pop cans, my brother is lazy.
some odd radio like thing. in a box and covered in plastic wrap. have NO idea what it is. i know its not mine. however the below item might make it fun.
one big old baseball bat, ok i found a few of its freinds too.
the long lost aquarium.

well most of this stuff is useless to me. some of it is worth money and some of it is trash. the only thing that got me excited was the WW II stuff. however i know both grandparents have way more in their homes. as for selling any of that stuff, no way. however if you need a old TV and a box of CB radios then give me a call, i even give you those walky-talkies for free.

what wierd, odd, disgusting, and just plain awesome things have you found while cleaning?

When i think of my past it becomes difficult. It is often hazy and unclear. often times because relatives lie to cover up the past or because they didn't know what was going on. Also an inceident 5 years ago took alot of recent memmories. However one thing in my mind does stand out. I know how i felt and i understood many things.

What has made me think about this is some community work i have been doing. I never thought of my self as a person that would like kids or that kids would even like. I tend not to deal with stress very well and often become deffensive. however how i react often depends on the person. I am more prone to become violent if the agitator is older, around 30's, and more so if it is a woman. Also a man who is older and bigger. oddly i am not distrustful towards women. considering those who hurt me the most were women.

three weeks ago I gave a 3rd grade class a presentation. Usally our groups are mixed crowds of children and adults. to add to the mix it was at a religious school. so i had to rewrite my work with both in mind. most of the originals deal with breeding and evolution. However the children were intelligent, but still asked questions i expected. Also the school was small. which made it easy to get in an out. and for once the animals behaved, mainly the skink.

The way the children reacted was a dark reminder of who i was. I am sure there are some there who share my pain. In those days there was only one thing i was trying to do, stay alive and get out. My family life hit the fan at that age. my mother left and my father brought in a new girl. At first we liked her and began to trust her. Until she became abusive. Unlike other children i didn't think i was the cause and i stood up. the abuse lasted for another 4 years. after the first 2 i came to a dark conclusion "the bitch must die!" it is possible i even considered suicide if i failed to kill her. certianly failing such a thing would be bad. The plan was simple. slit her throat in the night after she passed out from drinking. I knew killing was wrong, but i knew it was either her or me. I later, that year, stabbed her in a knife fight. she was drunk and dropped her knife. a mistake i made sure she would not forget. I stuck the short knife into her upper leg. She then punched me and hobbled away. I was 10 years old at the time, maybe 11. She later got a nasty infection from the wound.

what makes me think about such things is the letters from the children. There is no darkness. They are happy and the children sound like they were excited to see the animals. I am sure many of them have no idea how cruel the world can be. Oddly, and touching, is the fact they liked having me there. Mainly because a part of me is very distrustful and my view is that all people are going to act the same way toawrds me. I know reality is different and depends on the person, but it still surprises me how trusting people can be. in contrast my writings were cryptic and dark. I recently went over some of mine from that age. I often spoke of a monster who would brings a violent death to those who slept. Sometimes i was more direct and wrote about a dream were i had been shot. Teachers often dismissed this because i was from a different culture or because all boys dream about monsters and guns. These would usally be mixed in with standard childish things and my interest in electronics and machienes. I may not remember much but i do know i did have times of peace and happiness.

I have learned alot about my self in the last 4 years. I have learned that i missed out on many important life lessons and that i learned many that should never have to be learned. I also learned how close i was to continuing the cycle of my faimily. I also see why children should be taken more seriously.

I am a different person now. I don't fear for my life and i am more trusting. however i do bear the old wounds and lessons of those days. I have a stricter point of view towards drugs and abuse. I am very criticle of other family memmbers aswell and have all but broken off contact with my dad's side of the family.

there is one part of my self i don't like that i can change in an instant. my name. I am named after my father, a man whom i am nothing like nor can i respect. I dont like being confused with a corrupt drug addicted lawyer who let whores beat his children. I am a completly differnt person than my father. also the fact that just about everyone else with my last name is about the same way.

the name i may choose is a name my grandmother wanted, but she died 4 years before i was born. however i would most likly change the whole name, not just the first. most likly taking my mother's last name of murray.

in which case i would become James Murray.

it is something i have thought about doing for a long time, ever sence i was 10. its not really an if at this point, but when.

i have decided i will no longer help this couple... for free. i was helping them with their computer and internet however going over there is a pain in the ass. their kids just run amok and destroy everything, mainly the youngest. he even destoryed a computer. honestly that is when you spank a kid, not just say "bad" like its a dog.

to make matters worse the kids abuse their last computer. turn it off when they cant get on, passwords prevent them from getting on. also by screwing around with alot of stuff.

though what they do is easy to fix, but when you have 3 screaming kids fallowing you around and constatly buggy you. add in breakign stuff, throwing stuff, fighting yelling and such it gets to be a pain.
its not that i dont like kids. these kids are just not at all punished for the shit they do. say like, pouring pop into a computer or throwing plates into the ceiling fan. shit like that deserves a spanking and a grounding. today i am fixing the last problem, i belive it is realted to the fact they didn't pay the god damn bill for the internet.

once agian am i rebuilding the classic game PC. this time i have found some of my better parts.
anyways specs time
Intel Pentium pro 200Mhz 256k cache
96MB system RAM
4MB sis video with 3dfx voodoo 2 12MB 3d accelrator. plan on buying another voodoo 2 and runing SLI.
4GB maxtor hard drive, 5400RPM
soundblaster AWE64, a great card for older games.

i have some concerns about the pentium pro CPU. i have heard it runs kinda bad in 16bit mode. also i think it lacks the MMX ability.

however my p133 system ran very well and had similar specs. minus the voodoo2. i was saddened to have never gotten one. until now.

now for the games list
GL quake
half-life
quake2
tombradier 1 & 2
doom, duh
keen 4, 5 & 6
wolf3d


have any of you guys ever used a pentium pro for such a task? i just used it because the base system was already built and i did not feel like digging thru trying to find a good working pentium board.

what? the sephiroth is going to meet a girl? how can this be?

well yes i am going to meet a girl. I let some girl at work trap me into meeting with her friend. situations like this are an odd thing for me. one i am not very trusting of people. two is the fact i know almost nothing about this girl. also add in the fact that bars are not at all a place I enjoy.

anyways wish me luck, i am heading out in an hour. i just hope this isnt a mistake. and i hope she doesn't ask me if i said stake.

well it happened agian. watching a friend's snake for the winter and it gets loose in the house.
this one is much smaller than the redtail that got out. and unlike the redtail it isn't 5 feet away.

however both my dad and I could hear the animal moving in the night. so now i have a good idea where it is. when i get off work tonight is when i will look