Ultraviolet

I'm stricken again with the realization that for me, more learning results in less knowledge. It's especially hard to deal with this because I have issues with procrastination, one of the most severe character flaws in my opinion, and because of it I get easily swamped when due dates arrive and such.

I need a certain degree of control in order to fix this, a degree that I can't seem to achieve as I am bound by human limitations.

When I try to learn, I find a wealth of information, but none of it within my immediate range of understanding, and no way to learn from "the ground up" without some educational institution requiring money for it. Even if I could just audit classes from primitive mechanics working toward astronomical mathematics and physics, the structure of society won't let me. I'd never have time to dedicate myself to all the things I feel I need to learn and still be able to support myself within society. If only I did not have to breathe, eat, drink, shit, piss, sleep, and fuck... Every one of those is the reason I can't seem to excell. While I'd love to be independent of those, I'd still like to have the option to indulge in them, but as it is now, they control me.

This all came about as I was trying to read some general information about UNIX in order to find what specific information of interest I should look into in order to write a paper that is due Tuesday. I encountered massive amounts of information that was in no way relevant to me. Even in attempting to read it I learned nothing from it, as I was unfamiliar with the computing platforms the information referred to -- which were pretty much all it referred to. Understanding the information would require me to take days or weeks or months understanding operating systems theory, and understanding that would require me to take as much time understanding computing theory, computer science/architecture, and understanding that truly without relying on a great deal of abstraction would require me to understand electronics, and below that electricity, and below that chemistry and physics. Do I fucking know anything about any of that? No. I know if the manual says this is +5v and this is +5v I'd better make sure I've matched those two, not +5v and ground. Do I know why? Something about fire or some shit.

I just don't know where to start. This is fucking hell. Life's rough without a niche. Even when it's smooth, calm, uninterrupted good sailing, it's purposeless and futile and dumb and gives no reason to continue on in that shape. I've thought about the military option, but that would just be a more difficult version of not having goals and personal ambition for myself, with the bonus that I would likely end up either killing for or dying for (not sure which of those is worse) ideals and beliefs that are not my own.

Aren't we all whores to society that way, though? You go from one jub to the next, just another cog in a machine that keeps the rich people living well and the bombs and bullets pumping out downstream to whoever is on the shitlist for the day. Maybe you dry-clean, maybe you mop, maybe you suck cocks, all just so you can have some money that night to blow on fuck-all -- food and shelter, worthless and temporary -- while you support the weight of the world, quite literally, as relatively cheap labor. If the world leaders and rich people had to do it themselves they'd likely charge a hell of a lot more.

In understanding a world like this, who needs to believe in hell?

This wasn't really supposed to turn out a "my life sux" rant or anything. I guess it ended up more of a "our life sux" rant. I'd imagine anyone can relate. I mean, I would think anyone could look back at things they thought they were doing "for themselves" in their lives and realize that they were not the true benefactors, nor was it to their permanent benefit anyway. So we're all being exploited. People in certain places in the world might "have it worse than we do," but it's only in terms of quantity. The principle is still there. I suppose I should be glad I have my health, unlike many exploited folks in the world who go without food and drinkable water, but we are kindred in the principle of our suffering.

EDIT: I'm not really a goth, as I said in some various posts. Those were jokes that, in a certain context, were actually quite funny, although were likely "inside" jokes. Very, very inside.