CARRiON

I got my Steam Controller I ordered at the start of the month two days ago and I've already grown accustomed too it. At first trying to use the thing made my brain want to break down into fire and smoke. It was like I could feel my brain muscles tugging on each other because it was so weird, I couldn't even look around well. But I knew there would be a learning curve so I put it down for a few hours and went back to it again and after messing with its options (of which there is a fuckload) I started getting the hang of it more. The gyro is also really, really weird and cool and I enjoy the two extra buttons they added to the back of the controller. The 4 face buttons are a tad smaller then I'd like and the analog stick button is a bit of a bastard but overall I'm starting to enjoy it. I went back to it yesterday and was scoring some great headshots with it on Turok 2.

I expected my learning of the device to take WAY longer, some people made it sound like it was an ancient alien artifact that'd you'd have to study for months before you truly got it. Perhaps it's because I honestly didn't know what to expect and I've been curious to try one forever so I didn't have any expectations. If you go into it expecting it to be like a mouse you'll probably be disappointed. However it does get close to a mouse, closer than a traditional controller. I have an Xbox One controller and I honestly really like it and can play games like STRAFE and DOOM '16 with it fine enough, but now I'm very curious to see how the Steam controller fares in games like that. Also curious to see how it handles a god sim or RTS. The trackpad is somewhere in-between an analog stick and a mouse, I think that'd be more accurate.

Overall, pleasantly surprised.

How many games feature the Dopefish?

Well, let me tell you about the absolute worst, most sickening nightmare I ever had. This one isn't for the kids. OK, so there's this huge pile of crap, right? It's shaped like a giant tank, and it's walking around on two legs, goin' on a rampage and stompin' on people and houses and stuff. And this giant turd is carrying the nastiest missiles you ever saw. Like whenever it launches one of its turd missiles... whatever it hits - people, trees, buildings - turns into shit. My hometown, my old school, my family, my girlfriend, old man John... Everything in that turd's path turned into shit.

My blood cries out for the vengeance of my people's blood, which can only be repaid with at least twice as much blood! Or maybe three times as much blood! Like, if you went to hell and it was full of blood, and that blood was on fire, and it was raining blood, then maybe THAT would be enough blood. But, uh... probably not.

Huh? Radio? What's going on with that radio?

I'm sure it's a perfectly excellent monkey, but I don't want it. Now please leave, I'm very busy.

Much as I would like to, I just can't bring myself to jump into the giant pit of uncleaned kitty litter.

Why do we all have to wear these ridiculous ties?

Never pay more than 20 bucks for a computer game.